


Let Me In

by poetdameron



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s04e01 The Search for the Mysterious Mothman, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Lost in the Woods, M/M, Marital Fights, Married Couple, Petname in spanish and polish, Spanish Speaking, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Pregnancy, Trans Ryan, episode based
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 21:37:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17670560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetdameron/pseuds/poetdameron
Summary: After a big fight between them makes filming a living hell for everyone, Ryan and Shane get lost in the Mothman's woods. Having to face their major fears alone in the middle of the night while caring for another lost child in a cryptid's forest was not what any of them expected after getting married.





	Let Me In

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InkStainsOnMyHands](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkStainsOnMyHands/gifts).



> I wrote this fic months ago and it was an odyssey for it to get a beta until my lovely [Fie](http://ebonybow.tumblr.com/) came to my rescue and had it ready in record time. Honestly, Fie-- I don't know what I would do without you. You have become an amazing friend to me, I'm glad we got to meet and I'm going to forever be grateful for how much you've been helping me lately. You know my next porn with, like, feelings is for you.
> 
> But this fic was written for my good friend [Joey](http://faequill.tumblr.com/), who I love with all my heart. I'm sorry it took so long, man. Thanks a lot for your friendship, your advice, the chisme and all the fun afternoon we've spend talking about everything and then none. 
> 
> You are an inspiration to me, an incredible writer and friend, and an even better person, father and husband. Thanks for checking in with me, and for helping me build this fic and for sharing with me everything that inspired this story.
> 
> Check out the end notes for translations! The song in the story is [O tú o Ninguna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4V0HGR6qlzs) by Luis Miguel. I'll translate the whole thing later on tumblr, meanwhile the part in the story that appear are in the end notes.
> 
> Now, If you have tumblr and you liked this, please support me by reblogging the [original post](http://yaboybergara.tumblr.com/post/182583076477/let-me-in-shyan-fic)!

The noises of the woods had never bothered him this much.

Shane took a deep breath, supporting his hands on his knees as he let it out, alone in the middle of some forest unknown to him. He took another breath, and slowly stood firm as he let it out.

Alright, he was lost in the woods.

It wouldn’t be a big fucking deal if it wasn’t for the fact that, just a few minutes ago, Ryan had been at his side. Angry as hell at him, but beside him, tangible, safe.

All his boy scout knowledge appeared in his head like a list and Shane licked his lips, knowing well that Ryan had water, food, a first aid kit, batteries and his phone in his backpack. Both of their phones. He closed his eyes and counted to ten, then twenty, and—

Ryan was sick.

His eyes opened, something cold burning at the bottom of his back as he remembered the hell of a week they just had, fighting and ignoring each other, blue-balled as fuck and worried shitless every time he heard Ryan throwing up at the sight of food.

When he finally noticed that his hands were trembling, Shane swallowed and took off his glove. His gold alliance was a warm presence that had turned cold for the entire week after Sunday’s yelling and now—

Now his sick, anxious, scared of the dark, still sensitive because of him, husband was lost in the Mothman’s woods alone, probably scared and—

“FUCK!” Shane’s scream echoed heavily in the forest.

**Let Me In**

“Shane?” Ryan called, unsure of how to proceed as they geared up to get into the woods.

The cameras were off. They had already filmed a first impression of the woods, they would have to cut when Ryan had felt dizziness after driving, running to the side of the road to throw up the Mothman pizza from earlier.

Shane didn’t move after Ryan had called him, only looked up at him for a few seconds before sighing and getting out his gloves.

Ryan frowned. This entire fucking situation sucked, but he was not the one apologizing this time. And as long as Shane didn’t unders—

“What did you want to tell me before?”

Shane’s voice had something he always liked.

The first time he noticed it, Ryan had been with someone else and had thought of Shane as just his coworker, the guy across from him while running behind senior producers to work his ass up the BuzzFeed ladder. Today it had something else.

It had him away in the woods, getting ready to work without looking at Ryan. They hadn’t been looking at each other since Sunday morning, after _The Fight_ , almost a week ago, and Ryan had never felt him so far.

“It’s not that important.”

“It sounded so,” Shane insisted, knowing Ryan well even while fighting.

They had always been in close proximity, right in front of the other, at each other’s side, always so close and now apart, even with gold joining them in something Ryan thought holy. He wondered if Shane’s skepticism went to an extreme he hadn’t considered back then, if he had said _I_ _do_ just to please him.

Ryan shook his head.

“I’ll tell you when we get back.”

Shane was silent then.

He hadn’t cut his hair in weeks, the tips of it dancing on his scarf in ways Ryan hadn’t seen before until a month ago, when Sherry had invited them to Chicago and he had been showered in old pictures and stories as it always happened while with the Madejs.

Ryan tried a smile when Shane’s eyes found him, both ready to walk into the woods.

This was the part where Shane would normally take his hand or his arm, keeping him close while they explored. He and TJ would have to work to take out the parts that seemed more intimate, because Unsolved is not for showing off his damn happiness, but this time it never came.

“Okay, let’s go,” Shane said, heading on without him, his back to Ryan’s face.

He swallowed, following his husband with the same hundred doubts like he had done since Sunday, hand on his stomach as they passed their camera crew and the area where he had left his entire day worth of food.

This was going to be a long night.

“You still have that demon in your tummy, uh?” Shane asked when Ryan was finally able to catch up with him.

He frowned once more, not sure of how to excuse his irritation, so he only sighed and said nothing.

“Or is it…?”

Ryan looked up, Shane was gesturing to his lower stomach and Ryan had to chuckle a little. His husband sure mock-dreaded when his period came each month, but things were different now.

“Nope.” He answered. He thought of his next words, licked his lips before talking softly. “Hasn’t come yet, actually.”

“You stress too much.” The taller man said.

On Sunday, it had started like this. An innocent question about something that had been happening since they decided to—Ryan shivered, swallowing as he looked over his shoulder, the cameras weren’t on yet.

Back during that weekend, Shane had wanted to know if his period had started as usual and after Ryan said no, had been stupid enough to ask if he was still going to take the fertility treatment after it had given them nothing but a headache for a year.

He had almost thrown the waffles Shane had made into his face. Then came the tense questions and unfunny jokes, and then the tweet.

 _“Get out!”,_ he remembered yelling at Shane after his husband’s desperation had made him say things he, in theory, knows he wouldn’t have said otherwise, _“Get out, get out of my house, I don’t want to see you! GET OUT!”_

They were now here, about to start filming a fourth season of the show that had seen them get married and try building a family of their own. A show they were responsible for and couldn’t ruin with their marital disputes.

His hand remained on his belly until it was time to film. This was going to be a _long_ night.

* * *

 

The first time Shane saw Ryan, he didn’t know his name just yet, but he thought him _so_ handsome.

He saw him walking behind one of the producers on Shane’s first day at BuzzFeed, and he had smiled just a tiny bit. Ryan had these adorable round cheeks, something cute to him that made Shane think of how much older than most interns he was.

If someone had told him this man was to become his friend, his co-host and best bud, later his boyfriend and then his husband, he would have thought himself a lucky man.

Sunday morning, almost six years after—he wasn’t sure.

Which was bullshit. This whole damn situation was bullshit. Shane wasn’t sure how a stupid tweet with a screencap had become their biggest fight yet, maybe the last one with irremediable consequences if he didn’t play his cards well in the next minutes.

Sighing, he looked at his phone’s lockscreen and wished it was Sunday of last week, when he had drunkenly sung in poor Spanish to a happy Ryan surrounded by all his cousins in Mexico.

That trip felt like a lifetime ago today. He unlocked his phone and opened twitter, quickly searching for his damn Cheers screencap, reading over his tweet.

In theory, Shane knew there was nothing offensive in _Shoutout to Paul, the unsung hero of Cheers_ and a screencap.

He deleted it, his heart drumming anxiously in his chest as he remembered Ryan’s bloodshot eyes, yelling at him to get out of their apartment.

Shane put the edge of his phone to his lips, legs crossed as he sat alone in the park in front of their building, trying to fucking understand with closed eyes. A headache was throbbing on his temples.

 _“You will never be in my place, Shane!”_ Ryan had said earlier, Shane swallowed and unlocked his phone again.

That damn cute selfie Ryan had sent him last year while he was in Chicago smiled bright at him, his wedding ring showing on his finger as he made the peace sign. He sighed, feeling his nose hot and burning, bile coming up his throat at the memory of how fucked up they were now.

_“You are never going to understand what is like to hate your body, and for once want to use the part of it you’ve been dragging around for years, only for it to not even work!”_

He never thought it was a bad idea, to—he really thought they could do _this_ and he really wanted to—but it was only killing Ryan slowly, and he was too stubborn to even see it, let alone accept it. But maybe yelling it at him during a fight hadn’t been his best move.

 _If there’s one thing I hate, it’s babies_ , Paul had said in the screencap. The insinuation of the tweet was obvious, that Shane agreed. And he—yeah, but not like that. Not like Ryan had thought.

“Fuck this shit…” Shane sighed again, rubbing his closed eyes with his fingers as he lay back on the park bench he had been sitting for almost an hour.

Ryan didn’t want to see him and all Shane wanted was to go home to his husband.

Yet, even when he had eventually got back and cleaned up their mess, waited for Ryan to look at him hours after the fight, he didn’t feel at home again.

It had been almost a week, and they kept avoiding the elephant in the room. The lingering feeling of their yelling surrounded them at their place, made the air thick between them at work, showed in the way Shane’s voice would get low and not respond to Ryan’s little jokes.

TJ had arched an eyebrow, had asked more than once if everything was okay. Devon seemed to know better as she sighed constantly and pushed Shane to Ryan, saying they couldn’t bring their marital problems to the show.

Yes, she was right—but the way Ryan would immediately say they were fine only made Shane fist both hands inside his pockets and walk past Ryan, faster, knowing well his shorter legs would not catch up to him easily.

Neither of them had said more, but at least their banter came out as good as they could manage. Ryan and the team would have to do a stellar job cutting this shit for the season, and fuck—this was just the first episode.

“Those were coyotes,” Ryan kept saying to TJ as they walked back to the truck.

Shane had been left behind to his mind, rambling to himself about how much he knew they needed to talk. Songs he didn’t understand rang through his thoughts, the memories of their last non-Unsolved trip still fresh on his head as he kicked a rock and kept walking.

They had been so happy back then, had been so free to call each other names and laugh with cousins Ryan didn’t see as much as he wanted.

His marriage was worth more than a stupid tweet, but the truth was that he had hurt Ryan.

No jokes, no offended mockery. He had touched one of the most delicate parts of his persona and had played with all his insecurities without even realizing it. _How could he_ , Shane wondered.

“Sooo…” He heard TJ start and Shane knew what was coming. “You guys are, like… never speaking to each other again?”

Ryan looked back at him, immediately diverting his eyes from him when they met with his. Shane swallowed, hands in his pockets, TJ making a _tsk_ sound with his tongue.

“This is what’s gonna happen, kids,” The man started, Shane rolled his eyes but walked ahead, matching TJ’s and Ryan’s pace. “I’m gonna go over there… and you two are gonna walk together, talk your shit out, and stop messing with Mark’s takes.”

“Man—“

“Nope. I’m tired of your bullshit,” He said, Ryan closed his mouth at that and Shane only sighed. “You are ruining everyone’s lives right now, guys. Come on, hug it out or something. Hell, bang it out in the woods, why not?”

“Teej!” Shane laughed. “Do you know how unhealthy that is?”

“We could get eaten by those coyotes, you know?” Ryan said at the same time, they looked at each other over TJ’s head, but this time it was Shane who looked away.

“Alright, idiots.” TJ stretched his arms over his head, camera and all. And then walked ahead, faster than them. “You are not getting into the truck until you are disgustingly cute again!”

“I have the keys, genius!” Ryan yelled back, but TJ was jogging to Matt, Mark, and Devon, all four of them seeming to giggle when he finally reached them. “Asshat…”

In the silence, Shane lifted his hand and slowly made his way to Ryan’s back. He rested it gently right below Ryan’s neck, like it usually did when they were walking together to their rental, like in any other location. Ryan didn’t look up but didn’t move away either.

“We _could_ sex it out,” Shane said with a suggestive tone he hoped Ryan would pick up, he was just trying to make easy the space between them and start a conversation. “We haven’t boned in almost a week.”

“More than a week,” Ryan corrected.

He was right, Shane nodded even when Ryan wasn’t looking at him. The last time they were intimate had been Friday morning of last week, a quickie before work during a shower. He missed Ryan in all senses, even when they slept in the same bed every night; not touching him was a resulting punishment.

Shane’s hand went down, not sure of what he was trying to accomplish there but it soon rested on Ryan’s lower back. The man shivered a little but it didn’t stop him from walking and not looking at him, even when he leaned onto his touch a little.

“We really need to talk, Ryan.”

“Yeah.”

But neither said anything.

The sound of their crew laughing together distracted him from looking at Ryan all the way to their rental. His husband seemed nervous, probably waiting for him to start that conversation.

“I’m very sorry, Ry—“

“You’ve said that. It’s okay. Save it.”

“It’s not okay, Ryan.” He insisted, his heart starting to beat faster in his chest. Why couldn’t he just let it go if Ryan was sounding so sure? _You hurt him big time_ , a voice inside him said. “Angel, no—stop, stop!”

Finally, the man looked at him.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Shane said, his hair falling down his forehead, and it damn itched. Ryan wrapped his arms around his own belly and Shane licked his lips before continuing. “I was insensitive and didn’t think—I didn’t think of what you were going through at the moment. I just thought it was funny and I… I just thought it was funny.”

Ryan’s silence had never upset him this much before. Even when they were getting to know each other, one of the first things Shane loved about being with him was that their silences never felt odd. They were so comfortable with each other, even those moments were familiar and warm.

Tonight it wasn’t like that. Tonight Ryan swallowed visibly and nodded, head down for a few seconds before he looked back at Shane, firm and serious.

“You’re an asshole.”

“That I am.”

“You hurt me. A lot.”

“I know, I—“

“I forgive you,” Ryan sighed, Shane’s shoulders felt lighter and his hand immediately moved to Ryan’s face, but the man stepped away from him slightly. “We are not done here.”

“Oh… Of course.”

“I need to know, for real this time, Shane, I need to know…” He licked his lips slightly and looked down for a few seconds. Shane recognized that expression, he was pooling all his willpower onto the next question. Ryan looked up again. “I need to know if you want this.”

There were many ways he could answer this, but Shane wasn’t sure which one was the right one. Part of him knew what his husband was talking about, but just to make sure, he immediately asked.

“Want what…?”

Ryan rolled his eyes and pushed him away without much force, walking off.

“Oh, come on!” Shane said, his head was aching with all this bullshit and he was starting to get angry again. “Ryan! Talk to me!”

“I can’t talk to you if you keep avoiding the elephant in the room!” Ryan looked at him.

Shane heard their friends’ sudden silence, probably murmuring between them about this new fight. They were becoming characters, but he was unable to speak his mind as Ryan was giving him that same intense and hurt stare from last weekend. It left him cold on his feet.

“I asked you many times before, and every time you said it was okay.”

“Ry—“

“But then you would make those jokes! And when I ask about it, it turns out you never wanted to have children?” He closed his mouth, looking sore at having said those words. Something in Shane’s stomach twisted. “None of this would have happened if you had been honest with me since the beginning.”

“But I was!” Shane finally moved, hands slowly grabbing Ryan’s shoulders. “I was; I was honest with you.” He shook his head. “Why don’t you listen to the whole thing? I said it was never in my plans, but if I’m going to be a dad, it’s gonna be with you.”

Ryan shook his head, moving away from him. Once again, his back was to Shane and he was walking faster towards their rental. Shane sighed and followed him.

“You didn’t say it like that.” He stopped and turned again, Shane prepared himself for the new blow. “Quoting right now: _I don’t even want fucking babies, that’s your “thing””_ He said, sounding more hurt than Shane had thought before. He swallowed and looked away. _“And I said yes for you_.”

As stupid as that sounded, Shane had to bit his bottom lip and look down. Both of them had said so much that day, “Shit. Yeah, look—I… Okay.”

He wondered if Ryan would understand that as he put both hands on his face, squeezing his closed eyes with his open palms.

“Ryan, I was so mad at you,” Shane said, hands falling to his side, eyes on Ryan. “You were… I don’t know, I guess you really needed to get it out.”

“Me? What about you? You—“

“Yes, yes. Sorry.” Shane walked forward, swallowing visibly before continuing when Ryan didn’t intervene again. “We used that fight to let shit out but half the things I said were tainted, okay? I was angry. _Kochanie_ …”

Shane’s hand landed once more on Ryan’s face, caressing his cheek softly. He seemed preoccupied, like if he couldn’t believe a single word Shane was saying and fuck, fuck, fuck—When exactly had they become this? His marriage had been a happy one until they started to talk about kids, and if he ever said that to Ryan again, maybe there wouldn’t be any marriage to save tomorrow.

“You haven’t answered my question anyway.”

He could lie about how he truly felt about it all at the moment, or be honest and fight some more. Maybe, for the time being, a half lie was the best option. Shane swallowed before speaking.

“I want to have kids, Ry.” He reminded him. “It _is_ in part because of you, you are the variant—If you weren’t in my life, I’d be someone different.”

Ryan didn’t seem satisfied with his answer but smiled a little anyway, and more important—his hands rested on Shane’s waist and his head cuddled to his chest softly. Shane hugged him tightly, kissing the top of his head as Ryan’s arms finally rounded him.

They could stay like this forever, that could be Shane’s happy ending and nothing more. But Ryan moved in his arms, separated himself from him and looked like if there was so much more Shane didn’t know and the idea made him feel cold.

Because they shared everything. They had shared their desk since the day they met, as they shared Ryan’s first video, his, the first series they were part of, Unsolved, their home, their bodies, everything.

His husband seemed still worried.

“Let’s get out of here, I’m not—“ He sighed and looked at Shane, his cheeks were a little red. “What I wanted to tell you earlier…”

“Yes?”

“I’m not telling you here, it’s important. Let’s go back to the hotel, I—“ Ryan’s body against his felt warm, they fit together so well and Shane had missed him being so close. “Uh, I think we will want to have the bed near us.”

Shane snorted, then started laughing, a big smile spreading on his face. He had missed Ryan so much these past few days, listening to him now felt almost as good as when they kissed for the first time.

“It’s that so?” Shane put his forehead against Ryan’s, their noses touching when Ryan smiled and looked up. “Are you ovulating?”

Ryan closed his eyes, chuckling. He shook his head no, but was still smiling when he looked at Shane again.

“It’s something else. It’s a good thing, I swear.” He swallowed again. “I hope…”

“We got another season?” Ryan rolled his eyes and tugged at his jacket to make him walk, him going ahead, showing his hand behind his back for him to take it.

Finally, Shane took Ryan’s hand and let him guide them back to their rental car.

The voices of their crew had stopped, they were probably already in their own rental, maybe had even left. He looked at his hand in his husband’s and smiled, trying to not think about when he would tell him about the whole baby situation later.

“Did we finally get the budget to go to another country again?”

“Shut up, Shane.”

“More episodes?”

“Nope.”

“Another office?”

“Not even close, big guy.”

“Do we not have to see my aunt Maggie in two weeks?”

“God, I wish.”

Shane laughed, the sound of it rumbled in the forest but Ryan didn’t react to it as he usually would. Baby steps, it seemed. Shane walked ahead, now side by side with his husband, illuminating their way back with their flashlights.

The sound of the woods around them soothed him into a small smile, feeling like he could fix everything that went wrong that past week. For the first time since Sunday, Shane felt like he could breathe, even walking this much in this cold, just with Ryan by his side.

Ryan, who started to squeeze his hand more and more as they approached the darkness of the spot they had left the car in. Shane looked down, frowning at how tightly Ryan was actually grabbing his hand.

“Ry—”

“Shane…” He murmured, not looking at him. The man blinked. “Don’t you feel it?”

“Feel what?” Shane talked just as low. He knew how paranoid Ryan could get on locations, this wouldn’t be a first, but today he wasn’t planning on bothering him about it. So his option was to follow his lead. “What are you feeling, Ry?”

“Someone is watching us. Or… something.” He murmured, and this time, Shane realized he was sweating like he had run a marathon. “Shane?”

“I heard you,” he answered, knowing well he wouldn’t get Ryan out of his fear by being logical.

He let go of Ryan’s hand to put his arm over his shoulders, Ryan responded by rounding his waist with his own arm. Bodies against each other they walked slower, but Shane kept lighting the way to safety as Ryan slowly directed his flashlight to every corner he could get, where he probably heard—

There was something in the bushes. Probably an animal stalking them. They needed to get to the crew immediately.

“Ryan,” He called, the man nodded without looking at him. “It must be an animal, I don’t—“

“Shane!”

Ryan yanked him down, both suddenly on the ground when something _flew_ above them. Suddenly, Ryan was covering Shane with both arms, head on Shane’s shoulder and Shane’s face on Ryan’s chest, both made a ball of limbs in the dirt, when the thing passed by again, this time closer and leaving a cloud of dust in its wake.

Shane snapped back to reality as Ryan coughed, standing quickly with his husband in his arms.

“Ryan—Ryan, we have to go. Where is the camera?” He urged him, but Ryan had his eyes wide open, looking up at what Shane guessed must be whatever was hunting them down. “Ryan!”

“It’s—It’s—“

Shane looked over his shoulder at—nothing. There was nothing there. Fuck. They couldn’t miss this chance, this was—this was certainly something, if that was what it looked like, this animal.

“Ryan!” He shook the man a little. “Ryan, give me the damn camera!”

“But—“ Ryan started, hands going suddenly to his chest camera and—Shane tried to take It, but Ryan’s fingers stopped him. “But we gotta—We need to get out of here!”

“Ryan, you are always running into danger when there’s none—This is a big chance, give me the camera.”

“But Shane, if w—”

“RYAN!” The man finally looked at him in the face. “We gotta get that footage!”

Something in Ryan changed out of nowhere. His hands that were trying to get him away from his chest camera went one to his mouth and the other down his—his belly.

Shane blinked a couple of times, his fingers getting white on Ryan’s shoulder, but before he could say anything, a shriek echoed in the woods, making them both scream while trying to cover themselves again.

“Come on—“ Ryan tugged Shane by the hand, guiding him back to the car.

Shane looked up to whatever that was and tried to stop, but when the thing flew over their heads again, too close to them, all he wanted was for Ryan to be safe. So they ran.

“Come on, Ry, we need to go. Come on!”

“Shane—“

They ran in spite of the noises at their backs, the darkness of the forest and the fact that they had been walking for a while now. Shane knew they were alone. If their team had been near them, they would have either found them or heard them yell, but it never happened.

Just then did he realize they weren’t anywhere near the spot they had all left their stuff and cars. Instead, they seemed to be going deeper into the dark.

“Shane—“ Ryan called, Shane didn’t stop running, making his husband keep on with his peace. “Shane, I need to—“

Ryan lost balance after that, he would have hit the ground if it wasn’t for Shane taking his hand. Once again, his arm was protecting his belly and Shane felt himself sweat cold.

“What’s going on?” Shane asked, knowing well this was not the time or the place to talk about whatever this was. “Does your tummy hurt? What’s wrong?”

“It’s just—“ Ryan shook his head. “Nothing, colic.”

“What...?”

The shriek again. This time, Shane looked up to the shadow flying above their heads. There were no flashing red eyes or feathers, no imposing figure of a giant animal trying to hurt them. Just a shadow trying to trap them in its forest.

“Ry—“ He looked at his side and there was nothing. “Ryan?” He asked, eyes going wide as he illuminated with his flashlight all around him, “Ryan?!” But the man didn’t answer. “What the—?”

The silence of the forest, some sort of clarity around him like the illumination of a movie that happens in a dark place, surrounding him out of nowhere made him stop yelling—

Shane stood there, in woods he didn’t know, where a creature known for attacking people saw him and his husband as prey, and now he had lost Ryan.

“Ryan?”

But he was nowhere to be seen, Shane realized as he searched around. Just like he realized this wasn’t even the place he had been with him for a start.

Was he dreaming?

Shane blinked a couple of times, hand going to his pocket to look at his phone but finding that he didn’t have it with him. “What the—? Fuck, the bag!” Ryan had it with him.

“Oh, holy shit…” Shane breathed in and out, unsure of what to do now.

He put his hands on his knees, arching his back to lose some tension and take deep breaths.

The first thing to do was to find Ryan.

* * *

 

Schaumburg was a strange place to Ryan.

It was the most normal place in the world, but it was Shane’s hometown and it came with a feeling of nostalgia Ryan didn’t even feel for his own childhood home.

He felt each memory his husband had shared with him that afternoon. At the time, he felt as if the world was too heavy on his shoulders, even when a kid so young shouldn’t feel like that. He felt the scout’s insignias, each book on the shelves, the dinosaurs lined up in front of them, the strange and never explained baseball bat in the corner giving company to the guitar inside its sheath.

Shane’s teenage room was a dream place for any person young enough to not be allowed to drink, but old enough to know the thrill of doing it; very little of a childhood was left, just the past of a teenager that did a lot in one day, from scouts to guitar, German to playing video games.

“You’re not here…”

Ryan opened his eyes, moving away from his thoughts, to find Shane’s ceiling. He looked down on his body, to his husband between his thighs, a small smile on his red lips and a stray black hair on his chin. Ryan laughed, sitting to clean his husband’s face and making him smirk when he showed the hair he had just removed.

“I’m here giving the performance of my life and you are just gone,” Shane shook his head, nothing but charm and playfulness on his eyes. “Soooo unfair!”

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan cradled his face with both hands, pushing up to make him kiss him, tasting himself on his lips.

It wasn’t in their plans to find the Madej house empty when they came back from breakfast with Shane’s friends, but they weren’t to let go of the opportunity, especially when there was still a chance that this time he could get pregnant.

“Also, the performance of your life?” Ryan narrowed his eyes at him and Shane smiled, his cheeks were red. Adorable. “We’ve had better.”

“We have, haven’t we?” He chuckled. “Which do you—?” Ryan smirked, Shane’s face turned even redder. “Don’t answer that, no.”

“I think our wedding night was pretty good.”

“Our wedding night…” Shane smiled, still red. “Uhm, that was another level.”

“Yeah.”

They chuckled, and Shane kissed him softly again and again. “We are kind of disgusting.”

“Oh, absolutely.”

But Shane loved to take his time, had been a tease and the sweetest guy on the planet since he returned from the bathroom at Patrick’s house. He wasn’t sure what had happened during the five minutes Ryan was away, but from the second he sat down at Shane’s side again, his husband’s hands hadn’t left him.

Not that he was complaining.

“I love you,” Shane murmured against his lips, his weight suddenly too noticeable to ignore and Ryan laid down, Shane on top. “I’m so happy we’re here.”

Ryan chuckled a little. “Here? In your childhood bedroom?” Shane rode his hips, still covered in denim over Ryan’s sensitive cunt, gaining a soft moan from him. “Should I be concerned?”

Shane laughed against/into his mouth, kissing him deeply again as his hips kept moving over Ryan’s. Ryan’s legs rounded his hips, opening up for his husband in an invitation to get to work. Shane was fully clothed, Ryan only needed to get rid of his hoodie and t-shirt to get completely into business, but it seemed that today, Shane had other plans for them.

His lips went down Ryan’s neck, the burn of his well-trimmed beard felt especially soothing today on Ryan’s skin and the man moaned when his husband’s fingers deepened inside him.

“You know I never had anyone here,” Shane reminded him, Ryan smiled a little, eyes closed and mouth opened. “You’re the only one.” Ryan opened his eyes to Shane looking down at him, free hand caressing his hair, two fingers searching for that spot inside him. Shane smiled sweetly. “Just you.”

The way this man looked at him still managed to take him by surprise, breathing heavier with each thrust of his fingers inside him. He took them out, eyes still on him as he got both fingers inside his own mouth and licked. Ryan shivered at the sight, unable to take away his eyes from the way Shane was licking those fingers, three now, and his legs parted further apart.

“Relax, baby,” Shane said, putting his fingers inside Ryan again. Ryan closed his eyes at the first one, let his head fall on the pillow at the second and arched his back at the third, moaning his husband’s name in the process. “I need you loose, need to open you real good.”

“Shane… _Dios_ , yes…”

“’Cause I want you to take my cock, all of it.” He hit the spot, and Ryan whimpered loudly, hips going up to meet Shane’s fingers. “Hard.” He fucked into him deep, touching there again— “And deep.”

“Yes!” He managed to say. “Please, please...”

“Look at you,” Shane kissed his cheek, went down to his jaw and kept talking between kisses, caressing his skin with each word. “All a mess just from my fingers.”

He licked a hickey he had given Ryan the night before in the shower, everyone had given him funny eyes and dirty smiles all day and Ryan had wanted to kick Shane. Now, he was just excited to keep going. He needed Shane to fuck him already, but he kept moving his fingers in and out, getting a fourth one and fuck, Shane was truly going to fuck him stupid today, wasn’t he?

“My gorgeous angel…” Shane murmured against Ryan’s ear.

The man opened his eyes, his orgasm was about to explode in the pit of his belly, and when he saw Shane’s eyes shining that way, Ryan just had to come on his fingers, moaning his name that probably echoed the entire neighborhood.

Shane’s fingers left him, Ryan still had his eyes closed but he could hear him cleaning them with his mouth and fuck, this man was to be the death of him.

“Come on, baby,” Shane called him, pushing him up so he would sit up. “Let me take this off.”

“What about you?” He murmured, voice soft. “You are wearing way too many clothes.”

“Oh, am I?” Shane said, taking off Ryan’s hoodie and immediately moving to kiss his neck. Ryan shivered in his arms, the sweet sensation of his orgasm still lingering each corner of his body. “How many times do you think you can come today?”

“Uhmm…” Ryan swallowed, thinking about the last time Shane had asked him that. That night had been glorious.

“You think we can pass our last mark?” Shane said, Ryan only nodded. “Yes, sweetheart. God, you are so hot, so perfect—“

Ryan giggled at the praise, cheeks warm and heart full.

His husband liked to give him everything as much as Ryan liked getting each word of assurance, they were a perfect match in every sense, even when they fought about stupid things—they always came back together, making each other laugh, reminding the other why they were together in the first place.

Each kiss became more heated, Ryan’s hands going directly to work on Shane’s belt and pants as he got rid of Ryan’s shirt, exposing his chest to Schaumburg’s chilly weather. Shane kissed his middle, tongue caressing skin and going for a nipple while his hands helped Ryan to get him out his jeans.

He heard the clothes falling to the ground, Shane’s lips making obscene noises as he sucked on his other nipple. Standing a little away from him, Shane forced his blue shirt open, buttons flying around them with Ryan’s laugh for a soundtrack.

It had been a while since his husband was so eager to have him, what with trying and trying to conceive as if it was almost a duty. But there was something in the warmth of the sun filtering from the window, in the softness of the sheets, that fresh and dulcet feeling in the air.

Whatever it was, it gave him a very naked Shane who manhandled him gently into a new position with his legs over Shane’s shoulders. The man smiled down at him, positioning himself against Ryan’s entrance, mouth over his as he entered him in one sweet motion.

Ryan moaned in his mouth, gripping the sheets under his hands.

It didn’t matter for how long they had been together, how many times they had done this, the shock of Shane’s length would never change. It made him moan with the biggest smile on his face, to feel so full, knowing he was the last and only to ever take all of Shane in.

He heard him laugh, his eyes opened to find that stupid self-satisfied smirk on Shane’s face that made Ryan’s lower stomach jump, his clit throbbing in interest. Shane started to move, gripping his hips with both hands, hard enough to bruise and fuck, _yes_.

Yes, he wanted those purple marks on him more than anything.

“Shane…”

“ _Kochanie_ ,” Shane smiled at him, slowly changing the peace of his thrusts until the bed’s frame hit the wall with each movement of his hips. “Fuck, baby, you are so tight, so good for me…”

“Shit.” Ryan closed his eyes, focusing only on Shane’s dirty words and the marvelous sensation of his dick deep inside him, the way he moved in search for— **there**. “ _DIOS_!”

“Yeah?” Shane chuckled, one hand squeezing his left thigh hard. “Like that, Ry? Like that?”

He wasn’t sure if he had nodded or not, but Shane kept going, harder with each thrust, faster when Ryan begged for more. He could feel sweat pearling his forehead, the smell of sex slowly killing the one of vanilla and detergent. It felt like home, back in LA, where he would wake up to Shane’s mouth on him or he would wake him up with his lips around his cock.

“Shane!” He opened his eyes, tugging the man down for a kiss.

Ryan used the distraction to manhandle Shane into a sitting position, arms around his neck and thrusts slowing down as they repositioned on the bed, smiling and giggling like idiots against each other’s mouth.

God, he loved this man so much.

“Come on…” Shane murmured against his lips as Ryan took him inside of him whole. “Come on, baby. Take your pleasure.”

“Oh fuck, shut up,” Ryan laughed, moving on Shane’s dick and moaning while laughing. “Oh, fuck…”

“Take it, baby…” Shane’s right hand started to tenderly caress the small of his back, his other hand holding his hips, squeezing from time to time. “You’re so beautiful…” His hand moved from his back to his stomach. Ryan opened his eyes and found him looking at his belly. “And you’re gonna have our baby.”

He stopped then, Ryan felt his entire body tremble and before he could say anything, Shane was looking up at him, arms rounding him, keeping him in place. But Ryan didn’t care about any of that, he was too distracted by the love shining in his husband’s eyes.

“Mmm?” Shane kissed his jaw, fingers caressing his back down and up, up and down. “You’re gonna make me a dad?”

It was the first time Shane had ever mentioned becoming parents… in this situation, or ever to be honest. They have been trying for so long now, almost a year, and for the first time—for the first time it felt like this was something they both wanted.

Ryan felt his mouth water, he took Shane’s lips in a deep kiss. It reminded him of when Shane told him he loved him, and when they came here for the first time as a couple, and their wedding night, and so much more.

“Yes,” Ryan answered, finally moving again with a deep thrust that won him a deep groan from his husband. “Yes, fill me up.”

Shane’s hips moved with his, the heat between them stronger than before, as if it with each word their hunger for each other grew until they were nothing but desire to get the other off.

“Fuck!” Shane buried his nails on Ryan’s shoulder as Ryan kept riding him, desperate for release. “Fuck, baby. You’re gonna make me come so hard, so fucking hard—“

“Yes, yes, yes—”

Shane threw him on the bed, immediately entering him again to fuck him harder, taking the rhythm he wanted, going faster as Ryan felt his own orgasm build. They were almost silent now, only groans and moans filled the room and probably the entire house as their climax approached with each thrust of their hips.

“Shane, I— _Dios mío_ …!“

The man looked at him, struggling to keep his eyes opened. He was close. The image made Ryan get closer to the edge, happy to not need anything but Shane’s cock to come this time. It was perfect, this— this was perfect.

“Shit!”

“Fill me up, please, please, please—“

He closed his eyes, mouth opened in a big O as his orgasm hit him right in the middle of his pleasure, moaning Shane’s name so loud he didn’t realize his husband was coming with him. it wasn’t until he heard the strong slap of Shane’s hand on the bed’s frame that he opened his eyes, admiring the expression on Shane’s face as he came in hot waves inside him.

Ryan licked his lips, moaning at the sensation and the picture above him.

It wasn’t always that Shane got like this, but he enjoyed it every time. When his orgasm would hit so hard, he needed the extra relief of hitting something, the wall or the bed’s frame, as a soundless scream left his body. Then, the last deep groan that was followed by his hands on Ryan’s face, lips over his, softly kissing him as they went down from their highs.

“Fuck, angel…” Shane panted against his lips. “Shit, that was amazing.”

Ryan only nodded, too sleepy and too happy to even talk. He knew if he did, his voice would sound too stupid and he didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“Shit…” Shane murmured before kissing him again, one hand on his belly. “This is it, Ry. It has to be.”

The younger man chuckled, rolling his eyes but rounding Shane’s neck with his arms, smiling happily at him. “I love you,” he murmured so low, in any other situation Shane wouldn’t have heard him.

Shane smiled at him. “I love you, my love. You make me the happiest I’ve ever been.”

He breathed in, Shane’s forehead against his, mouths close, breaths the same. Ryan breathed out, hoping Shane was right. That was his last thought before he fell asleep with Shane’s head on his chest—

Or so he thought.

Ryan woke up to a movie set.

He still had the sensation of Shane’s childhood bed and the smell of that room all around him, even while he was nowhere known to him… The woods he had been exploring with Shane and their crew _were_ around him, but it wasn’t quite that either.

He had to be dreaming, it was the only explanation— the Mothman, or whatever that was, must have knocked him out and this was a dream.

“Hello?” He murmured, his voice small like he hadn’t used it at all.

But he was on his feet, not on the ground or a bed, and his flashlight was in his hand, giving him a better view, even though he didn’t truly need it.

He looked around to nothing, called Shane for good measure, then the team, and nothing. Ryan was alone in the Mothman’s woods and his hand went to his lower belly immediately.

“Okay.” He swallowed, little by little feeling more like himself, less like a dream. “What did my nerd of a husband tell me once?” He asked to himself, walking towards a tree to sit down and collect himself. “What did my hipster lumberjack husband say about getting lost in the woods?”

Ryan had their bag with all things necessary in these cases, he felt it on his back and lowered it to the ground before sitting with it between his legs, opening it with one hand, Shane’s words echoing like a vow on his head.

Water, first kit aid, some snacks, the phones—Shit, Shane’s phone.

“Fuck…”

He took both phones out, checking for the hour and signal to get someone to rescue him. His was dead, and Shane’s didn’t have signal at all. Ryan stood with the device in his hand after zipping the bag closed again, walking towards where he thought the right path back to their rental was, phone held high to find a signal, but it never changed.

As he walked in silence, his heart kept beating faster than it had ever done before and Ryan feared for his fucking health, his fucking pants as he felt his legs shake and fear started to build in his stomach, making his back cold and his shoulders hot.

Fuck this. This dream could fuck itself.

“Shane?” He begged. “Shane, this is not funny!” He said, each word more desperate than the last one. “TJ!” Ryan yelled. “Mark, Devon! Guys, come on!”

But nothing changed, the woods seemed to take him in deeper and something in the bushes made him jump away from them. Nothing came and so, Ryan kept walking with Shane’s phone to his chest.

He wondered why he had dreamt of that day in Shane’s childhood room.

When they had gotten to the Madej house that time, Ryan had felt the scent of the flowers of Shane’s mom hit him in the face. The house was bright and warm, and he loved visiting just for the smell of familiarity and the pictures of a young and smiley Shane in the living room.

Unlike this cold and distant morning, that morning, once they were sure the house was empty for them, Shane had wrapped him in his arms and rocked them softly as they stood in the middle of his old room.

It was his favorite feeling in the world, each time Shane embraced him and made him feel like if there were no bad days since they met and every one of his preoccupations would never win. Ryan hugged himself with both arms, missing his giant of a husband more than ever, numb to the cold and how fucking scared he was—

The bushes moved again. Ryan swallowed, he illuminated the place once more but nothing came out, so he kept walking.

Every stupid plant in this place seemed to move before he could pass them, and so Ryan kept walking faster and faster, trying to reach the memory of sleeping with Shane in a warm bed on a happy December day, of them dancing to boleros they didn’t understand at his cousin Rita’s wedding just two weeks ago, the smell of popcorn in their apartment.

Anywhere but here.

“Shit, shit, shit…” He started to jog, something was following him hidden between the bushes and holy fuck, this wasn’t a dream.

This wasn’t a fucking dream and he was going to die here, alone, he was going to lose his—

“I don’t think so, pal!”

Ryan jumped to the side, flashlight illuminating a baseball bat as it hit the ground beside him.

“Holy _SHIT!_ ” Ryan yelled, trying to run but something made him lose his balance and he fell to the ground.

He was fast enough to put his hand in front of his body otherwise his face and stomach would have hit the ground and—fuck, the baseball bat hit the ground beside him again. He was going to get fucking murked with a bat by some crazy dude in the fucking woods.

“No!”

“Don’t move, dude!” The person said, it sounded like—it sounded like a kid.

“What…?”

“Now, you move! Get out!”

The bat went up again and Ryan jumped to his feet, running to the side and away from it. The person hit something in the ground and it hissed, Ryan looked down to—to a big ass snake, a snake—a snake that was near him, that—that was what had caused him to fall wasn’t it? Holy fuck, he could have fucking died bitten by a snake in the woods.

“Man, are you okay?” The voice from before asked. “Hello?”

Ryan looked up with his flashlight, then adjusted it lower and found a boy looking at him with wide open eyes, the light obviously hurting his hazel eyes.

“Oh, shit, sorry!” Ryan took it away, still illuminating where the boy stood, but no longer blinding the poor kid. “What—what, who are you?”

“I could ask the same to you, buddy.” The kid rubbed his closed eyes, drying a tear that had fell down from his right eye. “I can’t believe you didn’t see that thing, though.”

“What?”

“Sneaky McBitey here.” The boy, dressed in a baseball uniform, pointed at the dead snake at his side. “You must be really distracted.” He said, moving away from Ryan like he knew where he was and what he was doing. “I’m Alex.”

“Alex?” Ryan murmured, looking as Alex took a black backpack from the ground and strapped the bat to it before putting it on his back. “I—“

“You’re welcome,” he said, a big smirk on his face. He couldn’t be older than fifteen. “What’s your name?”

“Thanks…” Ryan murmured, not sure of what was going on now. “I’m Ryan…”

“Alright, Ryan,” Alex offered his hand. “Don’t worry, I’m a cub scout. I can get you out of here.”

Ryan looked at the boy’s hand in disbelief. His dreams were turning way too weird lately. So he just shook the boy’s hand, his accent so familiar, it made him wish Shane was there so he would tell him from where it was.

“You are not from around…” Ryan said as the boy seemed to take his time looking at his form.

“Neither are you,” he answered. “Alright. This way. The actual way out is over there,” he signaled the opposite path, Ryan opened his mouth to ask why they weren’t following it, but Alex answered his thoughts immediately. “But I need to find Tommy first, then we can make our way together to safety. Okay?”

“Tommy?”

“Another friend I made in the woods,” he explained, his voice sounded so enthusiastic about their little travel, Ryan wondered if the kid was aware that they were most likely lost with the Mothman around. “They must be really scared, doesn’t seem to like the dark… oh, and they are nine, so yeah. Let’s find Tommy.”

“Nine?!”

* * *

 

Shane wasn’t sure how he ended up here. But sure, why would whatever was out there want it any other way? He sighed, putting the lit flashlight in his mouth to dip his hands into the cold water of the small river bank he had located.

It fucking burned his fingers and made him wish he was dead, but it was better than nothing.

He swallowed, putting the flashlight to the side, leaving it under a rock as he splashed water on his face once, shivering at the contact and the chill air on his nose and cheeks. Shane opened his eyes next, preparing himself to drink the water his hands had gathered from the bank.

It tasted like shit and he closed his eyes, ignoring it the best he could. He took some more and kept drinking, sighing when he was done, still on his knees in the shore, just thinking.

Off in the distance, animals crawled around making noises that were giving him a headache, little bugs on his knees wondering what this new obstacle was, some others flying around him in search of the best spot to land and maybe bite.

A small sob, way too thin, his head was playing games with him. Shane opened his eyes, sighing before standing with his flashlight turned off.

He had no need for it, not really. He had discovered first that he could see as if his eyes were made for the darkness and it was further proof that this was a dream, such an important change in his abilities could not happen in seconds as he walked like any other person. It would have to have taken its time, show symptoms and changes as the days went by.

The sob at his back persisted, he looked around without moving from his previous spot, blinking in the darkness as if this would clear it more, and it did.

Well.

It sounded like someone was truly crying, and when the tiny voice called out for papa, his feet reacted almost without asking his head if this was what they were doing now, following creepy and small voices in the woods that called for their father.

But there was just one person he knew could lose his mind to the point of calling out for their father, no matter how old he was.

“Ryan?” He called out, stopping in front of some tree to listen, the sobbing stopped but he could hear movement as the person who had been crying listened for him. “Angel, is that you?”

“Papa?”

This was Horror Movie 101, Ryan would be disappointed in him for walking right to the crying little girl in the woods at night.

“Hey, where are you?” Shane asked gently, the small voice sounded thick, scared out of her mind. “Okay, can you see this light?” He turned his flashlight on, moving it around the place the sound had come from.

“Yes!” She shouted. “Who are you?”

Shane swallowed. If this was a dream, the worst that could happen was to be eaten by a demon girl and wake up back in their motel room. If this was real, demons didn’t exist and there was a child in the woods alone and scared, and he was a fucking adult whose mother raised him to be a decent human being.

He sighed. “My name is Shane. Do you need any help?”

“Shane…” She murmured. “I’m—I’m—“

Great. Shane swallowed again and moved through the overgrown grass and the dirt, searching. “You don’t know your name?”

There wasn’t an answer then, he kept searching until his flashlight found a small ball of limbs curled into a tree. His shoulders felt heavy and Shane shrugged any doubts out of him at the sight, the crying kid looked up at him and god, god he has seen this child before.

“Hey…”

“I’m Tommy.” Jesus, _he_ answered, then. “I—how did you find me? Do you know my dad?”

“I don’t think so...” Shane walked towards him. Ryan would kick him for assuming anything, he shook his head trying to calm his nerves and stop thinking of Ryan while he was this worried. It only made him more anxious. The kid frowned and lowered his head. “Are you hurt or something? Come here…”

He went down, arm extended to the kid, hoping he could put a confident and calm demeanor to him. Looking at him as he stood, Shane searched for any injuries or signs of distress. His clothes were just a little bit dirty, he had a little pink backpack with stickers all over and Shane smiled, watching as the kid walked slowly towards him.

“You—you think you could help me?”

Shane frowned. There was something about this kid… he knew this child, but couldn’t remember from where. The name didn’t ring any bells and he wasn’t sure if they had actually talked before. Maybe he just reminded him of Ryan’s little cousins.

“Sure I can. We can figure something out. Are you lost, Tommy?” He nodded. “Alright, let’s go. You remember where your house is?”

“It’s not here.”

“Oh, so you’re a tourist too? Boy, today’s not a good day for tourism…”

“What?”

Shane smiled at him, standing to walk towards the kid who immediately walked back, eyes wide open. He looked behind himself, fearing some kind of animal was stalking him or even the damn flying shadow, but nothing was there.

“Hey, what…?”

“Who are you?” The boy asked, Shane stepped in and he backed down again.

“Uhm,” Shane could see the boy was scared. He wondered if it was something in him or just the fact that Shane was a stranger to him, asking him to follow him in the middle of the woods at night. If he was this child’s father, he would be proud of him. “Just Shane, man. I want to help you, you can’t be out here alone.”

“Why are you so big?” The kid sounded desperate and confused.

Shane blinked a couple of times, then looked at his hands and the length of his legs. He swallowed.

“Uh, I’m just tall.”

The boy didn’t move, he seemed more scared by the second and Shane slowly showed him his hands and smiled, trying to show him he was no threat to him. Usually, he was good with children; maybe this one was just in shock, he was still lost in the woods at night after all. Suddenly finding a taller than average guy at night, that didn’t sound good even to him.

Slowly, the kid got his backpack off his shoulders, unzipping it and taking out a piece of paper. Shane swallowed as the kid left it near his feet, then ran towards the tree again. Shane looked down, it was a drawing of some very tall shadow hovering over him and another child with a baseball cap and bat.

He almost chuckled. “You think that’s me?” The boy didn’t answer, so Shane licked his lips and walked towards him with the drawing. “I just got here, I’m not—I’m not gonna hurt you.” He said, but the boy stayed peeking his head from behind the tree.

Shane licked his lips, taking out his wallet. “Look…” He showed him a picture of him and Ryan with Edgar, Ryan’s little cousin that, uhm, happened to be the favorite of the two of them. “See, this is my husband Ryan… and his cousin Eddie, okay? I’m just some dude that is tall.”

The kid walked near him, looking at the picture and frowning.

“Husband?” He murmured.

Oh shit, maybe he was actually bad at kids—but, what kind of parents didn’t talk about same-sex marriage to their kids? Shane slapped himself, this kid looked way too young to even know about the different teams in the Power Rangers.

He was so gonna suck at _dadding_.

“Yes.” Shane smiled, trying his best. “We got married two years ago.”

“You are married,” he said, and Shane showed his finger so he could see the ring. His feet were hurting from crouching so much. “Oh, kind of like uncle Alonso.”

Shane blinked a couple of times, hoping that saying, “Yeah”, was the right answer. The kid smiled and walked towards him, taking his wallet to look at the picture more closely, Shane finally stood and looked down as he observed the picture.

“I’m…” He looked down, his cheeks were a little pink. “Tommy is not my name.”

“Oh.” Clever kid, Shane smiled at him. “You don’t have to tell me—“

“My name is Reina.”

Huh. Alright. He had heard that name before, it meant ‘Queen’ in Spanish if he remembers Ryan’s grandma’s little schooling in the importance of names and their meaning. _Reina_. They, then.

“Okay,” Shane offered his hand to the kid, they gave him his wallet back instead. Clever, clever kid. “What do you want me to call you?”

They smiled at him, now offering their hand. Shane moved near the kid, and they wrapped their entire hand around three of his fingers, waiting for him to direct them to safety.

“Tommy is okay?” they asked, and Shane nodded. “Tommy! Like the white Power Ranger!”

Shane chuckled, so that was what was so familiar. The kid’s backpack was filled with stickers of the show and other old cartoons. They must have parents his age, people that had become parents very young, maybe.

They walked together toward the water, the kid needed to clean their hands and knees.

“My friend has to be around,” They said. “His name is Alex!”

Shane nodded, thinking fast. There were two children lost in the woods. This town was a disaster. If he were any of these kid’s parent, he would be crazy mad at that moment.

“How old are you, Tommy?” He asked, coming to a stop to get to the kid’s height. Damn, he really was too tall. “I’m 32!”

“I’m nine!” They showed their fingers, nine of them. Too young. “But Alex is a big kid.” They said. “He is a pre-teen…” He murmured near Shane’s ear and he had to chuckle.

“Okay, that’s good. We may be able to find him and he’ll be alright.”

“I bet!” They say with a smile. “Alex was a cub scout!”

“Ooooh!” Shane exclaimed, debating between offering his arms or keeping his hands to himself. They were gonna walk for a long time. He showed his open arms.

“And he plays baseball!” The kid moved towards him without hesitation, letting Shane carry them. They weren’t so heavy, thank Jesus. “He says he is in the school’s band? I don’t know what that is.”

“He sounds interesting, uh?”

“He is funny.” Tommy looked at him, then frowned. “Aren’t you Alex’s daddy?”

“What?” Shane’s eyes went wide open and immediately laughed. “Oh, nooo. I’m not, little… guy. Little one.”

“It’s fine.” They smiled at him. “My dad calls me chapis!”

“Chappys?”

“Chapis!”

“Uh…” Shane frowned. “Like…”

“C-H-A-P-I-S!” They recited. “Chapis!”

“Oooh, alright. Like, _Chaparro_.”

Tommy gasped, looking at Shane with surprise. Shane looked at the kid for a moment, then at the water near them. He put them down and signaled to the river bank, telling them to clean up a little. Helping the kid was easier than he thought, he wondered if he was doing this right.

“You know Spanish?” They asked while Shane finished drying the kid’s knees with the sleeve of his jacket. “My granny talks Spanish.”

“I don’t.” He answered, looking at the kid. “My husband’s family—part of his family is Mexican, so he and I know a little of it. But very little on my part.”

“Granny says me and my little brother should have learned Spanish.” They added. “Oh! I have a thermos! Alex said we should get some water with us so we can go through the woods and not get sick.”

 _Cub scout_ , Shane smiled. “That’s a good idea. Let me help you fill it.”

The purple thermos was kinda small, but hopefully, they wouldn’t need to be in these woods for longer. They walked together, following the river to find safety while the kid kept talking about their friend Alex and their little brother, and school, and the other kids they knew, and how they wanted to play basketball when they were older.

Shane sighed, a knot trapped on his throat.

Ryan would love this kid. They sounded so much like one of his little cousins, like Ryan himself… and all this, their name, the languages they were losing, it would spark that thing in Ryan. That thing that gave Shane the security he needed to know he would do everything in his power to match Ryan’s natural grasp on parenthood.

All that was becoming so difficult lately… seeing him like this, so stressed and tired about the results of their constant trying. The idea of actually having a child, a small thing made from nothing with Ryan’s gorgeous face and perfect nose, his own mother’s eyes, Linda’s hair.

It would be so good, to hold all that to his chest.

The kid wrapped their hand around his fingers again and Shane looked down, at how big his hand looked in this kid’s little one.

Getting bigger, the knot was—getting bigger.

Ryan was lost and alone in the woods, and the image of him putting his hand over his belly had been haunting Shane since the second he noticed and now his head—he couldn’t stop thinking about how much he had been doing that, sometimes not even realizing what he’s doing. And his sickness, the vomit and the—

Shit.

“Shane?” Tommy wondered, he had stopped moving, was feeling very cold. “Are you okay? You look sick.”

_I need to know if this is something you really want._

“I’m—“

_It’s important._

“Shane, you are pale!”

_It’s something else. It’s a good thing, I swear. I hope…_

“Oh, shit.”

His knees were about to give up. Shane went down, supporting his weight on the heels of his feet and his hands went to his mouth, eyes wide open.

So at least, it had finally happened.

Ryan was pregnant.

He was going to be a dad.

* * *

 

“Are you alright?” Alex asked him, Ryan nodded while breathing in and out slowly. “Do you… have any illness I should know about?”

Ryan smiled, looking at the boy. “You’re a little adult, uh?”

“I guess…” He scratched the back of his neck, looking embarrassed. “It’s just for safety. Because if I have to help you with something…” He sighed. “Like asthma. Do you have asthma?”

“No, don’t worry about it.” Ryan went up again, swallowing before preparing himself to walk again. “Look, we’re doing this together. You don’t have to take care of me, we are helping each other.”

The kid smiled but didn’t look at all convinced. Ryan figured that Alex was the kind of person who was like Scott and Shane: always looking to carry everyone’s problems and solve them. But Alex was way too young to be feeling like this, and Ryan had a lot of questions on the tip of his tongue, but he asked none.

Alex was none of his business, not to mention… the boy himself never stopped talking, slowly giving away information enough to make Ryan understand one thing: Alex didn’t know who he was.

“We should be able to track Tommy’s trail soon, it gets clearer by the second,” Alex said, Ryan following him while listening. “And if your husband is as clever as you claim, he probably has tracked down the river bank and will follow the shore until he finds civilization of some sort.”

“Yeah?” Ryan arched an eyebrow, trying to remember all the woods-nerd stuff Shane once told him. “Wouldn’t it be better if we just… call their names?”

“Sure, if you wanna get eaten.”

“WHAT?”

The boy laughed like the little shit he was turning out to be. Ryan side-eyed him, but kept walking at his side, thinking how what he had said actually made sense—there were coyotes in these woods, and there was the Mothman, too.

Mothman.

Of all stupid cryptids they were always trying to record, Ryan wasn’t sure how ironic or terrifying it was that this would be the one that would actually get them.

Not that he wanted that or a repeat of this any time soon, probably never again.

“I haven’t seen any Mothmen here,” Alex said. “I think you and your hubby were seeing things. Maybe you were both tired or thought a bird was—“

“Dude, I think I can distinguish between a bird and a giant moth when I see it.”

The kid giggled but said nothing else.

“How did you end up here?” He asked Alex, the kid sighed and kept walking ahead of Ryan. “Alex?”

“I’m here,” he said without looking back. “I had a small fight with my mom,” He sounded afflicted. “It’s just… a lot of bullshit.”

Ryan nodded to the side, kept walking. The kid stopped and looked at him, blinking as if waiting for him to say something. When Ryan only smiled, Alex did the same and waited for him to continue their walk.

“I’m worried about Tommy,” Alex said.

From what Alex had told him before, Tommy was a kid he found while lost in these woods and he was only nine. Part of him was still thinking of big shadows and fights with Shane, but most of him was trying to keep his heart in place and not break down in tears right on the spot.

His husband was lost, there was a too-young boy alone in these woods, and he was—and he didn’t get to tell Shane—fuck. Ryan couldn’t even admit it to himself. What kind of—

“Ryan!” Someone tugged at him, he looked up to see… darkness, his feet lost balance and he looked down to even deeper darkness. “Jesus, you are so stupid!” The voice said, it was Alex—Ryan looked back, the boy was grabbing him by his shirt with both hands. “Come on, don’t stay there!”

“What…?”

“That’s a hole, dumbass! Can’t you see it?” Ryan moved immediately, getting behind Alex to look at the — _holy fuck. Holy fucking shit_. “What were you thinking?” Alex turned around, looking at him with both fists on his hips, it looked funnily familiar. “Are you crazy? Do you wanna die?”

“I—” He was being lectured by a kid. Ryan blinked. “No, I just—I just have a lot on my mind, is all.”

The boy crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Ryan with a frown. Up and down, then a sigh as he shook his head, taking him by the wrist and guiding him around the darkness they had encountered.

“What’s gonna happen if you fall?” Alex said, sounding older by the second. “What am I gonna say to your husband? He’ll probably kill me.”

“Please, Shane is vanilla as fuck.” Untrue, but what does this kid need to know? The boy left his wrist alone and stopped walking. “Alex, it’s alright,” Ryan said after a few seconds of staying still with him. “I’m fine. I’ll be more careful.”

“You are a child,” Alex said, turning to see him. He had—he looked taller, somehow. Ryan frowned. “Why don’t you listen to me, Ryan?” He walked right in front of him, close enough for him to notice the boy was his height now, if not taller.

This was no thirteen-year-old anymore.

What. The. Fuck.

* * *

 

Visiting his family and friends had always been something Shane enjoyed more than he cared to admit, but he suspected everyone knew this by now.

He couldn’t help himself. The town that saw him grow up, and accompanied him in all his big firsts, always welcomed him with good weather and the familiarity of familiar faces, kind people, nice words. And now, Ryan—

Ryan here, with his friends and his family, everyone adoring him because they’ve been together for a long time now. Happy, at a place where they can stay forever together.

He smiled at Ryan as he stood to go to the bathroom, Emily immediately sitting in his seat and he rolled his eyes.

“Seriously?”

“Hush, you know we don’t fit in here. There are too many of us!” She answered, making him and Patrick laugh.

“There are more of us now, yes.” Patrick commented, “But that’s a good thing. We’re adults, we have adult relationships. We come with a plus one.”

“Duuuh!” Shane exclaimed, rolling his eyes. “Shut the hell up, grandpa.”

His friends laughed, Shane smiled back at Ryan when he stopped and only stayed still, observing him with so much fondness, it made him blush. No one else was saying anything to anyone, each engaged in their own laughs and conversations, the after breakfast feeling he loved so much hanging in the air.

“What?” Shane murmured.

Patrick chuckled and answered, “It’s just—You know, remember when you and Lorca broke up?”

Shane frowned but nodded anyway, Patrick laughed nervously and gestured with his hands the same way Shane always did. “Well, you always said that… you and Lori would end up together somehow. And we all believed that, too.” He said, and Shane frowned deeper.

Not at his friend, but at himself. He remembered that. He thought that true until Ryan. He had brought other boyfriends home before, but he never felt for them as he did for Lorca. Ryan had been another story, with an honest start, the real deal where he had gotten to know him and had fallen in love with him slowly.

He didn’t even remember the last time he felt like he and Lorca would be a thing in the future again. Hell, he didn’t remember the last time he thought of Lorca, period.

“Yeah, I was kinda stupid. What about that?”

“I don’t think you were stupid.” His friend said. “I think Lorca was the love of your life for a very long time, and you were gonna end up with him… and then you met Ryan.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you’re a man of logic,” Patrick said, leaning into his seat. “You don’t believe in destiny and shit like that, but here’s a fact: you didn’t see Ryan coming, and that’s why he impacted your life more than anyone else did before.”

Shane thought of it and only smiled at Patrick, thinking of those months he spent thinking it was just a friends thing, even when he had adored Ryan almost since day one, since he realized he was the sun and he wouldn’t mind living off his shine for the rest of his life.

He had become his husband after all. He was the variant in his life that made him think twice before making a decision, the only person that mattered to him when it came to his future and the plans that were theirs, together.

Not even with Lorca had he had that. He had been so young and new to love. And he had loved him wildly and deeply, for so long—but one day was ten years with Ryan, no one knew him as Ryan did, even if he didn’t know every hour of Shane’s childhood and the mistakes from his past, the only secret he kept from him because he had no idea how to explain it.

“I know,” Shane replied, at last, looking as Ryan walked back from the bathroom and realized his place had been taken.

“Have you felt like that lately? Like this has an expiration date and you’ll end up somewhere else?”

It was Shane’s turn to chuckle. “Not at all.” He said, opening his arms to Ryan without taking his eyes off Patrick.

Ryan laughed but immediately went to Shane’s lap, sitting happily while saying, “I’m gonna break those noodle legs of yours, baby.”

“And I’ll thank you for it,” Shane answered, rounding him with his arms. Ryan laughed at that and looked at him before Shane kissed his cheek. “I love you.”

“Uhm,” His cheeks went red, Patrick giggled like a high-schooler at their side. “I love you, too Big Guy.”

He loved having Ryan everywhere near him, and he loved having him back home, where the sunny day didn’t make him sweat like a pig. Ryan usually complained about the cold or even the snow when it happened, but Shane knew he liked it in here, too. This was his second home now, where the rest of their family was, where both of them were welcomed warmly.

So he made love to Ryan that morning, when no one was around in the house that raised him, in the room that saw him become a man.

It had been an amazing trip, an amazing day, and an amazing moment of intimacy between them.

Looking at Ryan sleeping at his side had made him so sure of what was to come, he really wished at that moment they could become parents. In spite of whatever the fuck other people could think and say, in spite of his own monumental fears—Shane was sure he could be anything and everything if Ryan was at his side to work towards it with him.

So now that months had gone by, now that he was walking through the Mothman’s woods, knowing he was to become a father, carrying someone else’s baby kid in arms, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, about how far he has come with Ryan—

And how far apart they were today, just this morning.

“You have that funny face,” Tommy said, their voice so tiny and soft, it made Shane smile while looking at them. “Are you upset?”

“A little.”

“Why?”

“Well…” Shane sighed, moving his head to one side. “For a start, we are lost in the woods.” They nodded. “I can’t find my husband or your friend.” They started to number each with their fingers, Shane smiled a little bit more. “And this river is going on forever!” Shane said, Tommy gestured to his dramatization of the matter with their arms opened, as if they had been gesturing for Shane.

“Okay, all that is bad.” They said and Shane giggled softly. Adorable kiddo. “But you know what is worse, Shane?” They murmured, cheeks pink.

“What?”

Tommy moved, speaking on his ear and Shane paid attention. “I need to pee.”

“Oh!” Shane stopped, looking around to find a good spot where the kid could help themselves, “Okay—so, Uhmmm… where could you water the plants…?”

“Water the plants?”

“Uh, pee. That,” Shane put them down, the kid started to make a little dance while pulling their shirt down with one hand. “Don’t do that, you’ll want to go even more.”

“But I want to go!” they said, Shane looked around desperately.

“Okay, okay—how about that tree, I’ll take watch.”

“Okay!” The kid ran towards the tree and Shane had to blink a couple of times before following them.

Getting away from the shore wasn’t exactly what he wanted. He hoped they wouldn’t lose sight of it, so Shane kept his eyes on the path they had taken until Tommy called his attention by pulling at his jacket, dance and all still.

“What is it?”

“I need help…” They murmured, looking embarrassed. Shane blinked before nodding. “I can’t undo my shorts…”

“Oh, okay. Just…” Shane went down on one knee, undoing the kid’s clothes while looking behind them, to where they were supposed to pee, hoping no animal or bug would bother them. “Alright, I’ll be here. If you need anything else.”

“I need paper!”

“What?” Shane blinked a couple of times before remembering, his eyes went wide open. “Oh, no—I don’t have any. We used the last of the napkins already.”

“I don’t have any, too!” They answered. Shane swallowed. “What do I do?”

“I don’t—“ No. Shane blinked. “Look, Tommy. Just this once, you can go without the paper. Just this once, when you are back with your parents, you tell your mom you need to clean up.”

“But what if I get sick?”

“You won’t,” Shane smiled at them. “It’s gonna be okay, we are gonna be out of these woods in no time and you’ll get a shower. You are not gonna get sick, it’s okay.” Shane swallowed again. “Trust me, little one. It’s fine.”

Tommy was frowning, their scared expression made Shane want to scream in frustration. But the kid nodded and turned around to their business, so Shane turned away and looked ahead as they peed, funnily humming the Power Rangers song as they had been doing almost all the time since Shane carried them.

“I’m done,” Tommy announced.

“Cool, can I turn back now?”

Tommy seemed to be getting their clothes in place before answering. “Yeah.” They said. “Can you help me again?”

“Of course, sweetheart,” Shane kneeled again to help the kid, noticing one of their shoelaces was untied. “Let me help with that, too.” He signaled, palming his thigh. Tommy put their tiny foot on Shane’s thigh and he tied the shoe again. “The other one, let me see how it is.” The kid put down his left foot once it was done and put the right one on Shane’s thigh. “Okay, that’s fine now.”

He got up again, shaking the dirt off his jeans while the kid looked up at him. Their eyes met for a few seconds and Tommy smiled at him, offering his hand. Shane smiled back, taking it and walking away once again.

“Do you have any brothers?”

“I have an older brother.” He answered. “What about you?”

“I have a little brother!” They answered excitedly. “His name is Jake!”

Shane smiled and looked down at Tommy. “That’s Ryan’s brother’s name, too!”

“Oh!” They clapped happily. “And what is your brother’s name?”

“Scott,” Shane answered, remembering his stupid brother who was going to be excited about the news. “He’ll be the best uncle.”

“You have a baby?!” Tommy looked so surprised, it made Shane laugh.

“No, no—” Or maybe yes. “I don’t know. I think—“ Should he said it, tell Tommy about Ryan? “Ryan and I have been wanting to have a baby, and maybe we are getting one now!”

“Oh!” Tommy smiled at him. “So he is gonna have two dads?”

Shane swallowed. “Yeah…” And hoped the kid wouldn’t ask for more.

“Look!” Tommy stopped walking, going for their backpack to show Shane a doll resembling a toddler. He wouldn’t tell Tommy he hated these, so he only smiled and took the doll when the kid offered it to him. “This is Kim, I’m her mom!”

Shane chuckle. Not cool, but damn—the kid said it so cutely, it was impossible to not smile. “Yeah?”

Tommy nodded. “Grandpa and granny gave her to me on my birthday, he said I was responsible for her now.” They explained. “So she goes with me everywhere.”

“I see,” Shane tried his best to hold the toy as if it was the real thing, even when it was smaller than an actual toddler. The kid seemed to like that. “Is she always in your backpack?”

The kid showed their backpack now, all the stickers looking nice in the way it was presented like a collage over the pink of it. “Dad helped me do it. Isn’t it super awesome?”

“Totally!” He answered, offering the doll back to Tommy. The kid took it and hugged it hard against their chest, Shane smiled again. “Don’t you think Kim may want water? Let’s take a tiny break.”

“Okay.”

Tommy looked down, as if searching where to sit. Shane scratched the back of his head, but then the kid produced a blanket out their backpack, too small for the two of them to sit on, but Shane helped them put it down anyway.

“You sit on it with Kim,” Shane said, helping Tommy to get out the thermos with the water. “I’ll keep watch.”

“You can keep watch sitting with us,” Tommy suggested. “If you sit, I can sit on your legs! That’s what my mom and dad do when we don’t fit in the same car or in the cinema!”

“Uh,” The kid was smiling too bright at him, Shane sighed and sat down, helping Tommy sit and drink the water. “Okay…”

They stayed in silence until Shane heard Tommy sigh.

He thought them a brave kid. He would be crying if he had been this age and lost in the woods, hell—he had cried when he got lost as a teen while on vacations, even when it had been just for like ten minutes.

Maybe it was just the fact that they weren’t alone that gave them some peace, keeping the fear at bay. Shane hoped he could help with that, keep this kid as calm as possible. He wouldn’t know how to deal with a scared and lost child by himself, he didn’t know how to deal with a kid at all.

He could deal with them for a few minutes as he always does with their friends’ kids, but what was he gonna do with one of his own? That was the problem, what Ryan didn’t see. And he couldn’t blame his husband, he was a natural and so ready—Shane felt as if he needed an intensive class to get a grasp on it.

Tommy leaned on his chest, sighing again and looking up at him. They looked adorable, so Shane smiled down.

“What is it?”

“Are you afraid?”

Good question. Ryan once accused him of never being afraid of anything. His fears sounded ridiculous to his husband, even if he knew in the privacy of their bond he respected them enough to understand Shane’s point of view beyond the jokes they played on each other.

This was one of them, of those fears: the possible failure of his attempts at fatherhood, disappointing Ryan in what he wanted so much, never being good enough.

It was one thing sometimes thinking he wasn’t good enough for many things, but the ever tiny yet painful idea of not being what Ryan deserved had just become stronger with this new future plan.

And if he fucked up his kid? Hell, he was so big—how was he gonna carry something tiny and fragile like a newborn?

“A little.”

The kid smiled at him. “I’ll protect you,” they said, Shane smiled at them. Tommy moved their hand, touching Shane’s stubble softly, his heart started to beat faster. “Would you protect me?”

Maybe he’ll do it just like this.

Shane smiled at them, way too big hand on their head. He nodded. “Of course, sweetheart.”

* * *

 

“Look, we are gonna find Tommy and then I promise we’ll find a way out of here.”

“I thought you knew how to get out…”

Alex frowned. “I do,” he turned again and waited. “Let’s go.”

The change was there; Ryan could feel it in the air as the scenario slowly started to make sense to him. Whatever this dream was, the woods had changed again and he was, once more, on the same path he had walked with Shane and the crew while shooting.

He looked down to see if he could find footprints, some kind of clue to tell him maybe he could find any of them. But there was only him and Alex, walking in silence after the kid had been the happiest little shit he had met.

Now he was so serious, hands in his pockets, a tall figure bending his back as if wanting to look smaller.

Ryan has seen this reaction before, the awkwardness and feelings of inadequacy. He’s seen it on Shane so many times.

Like going to the movies and being told to move because he was too tall, and trying to walk into old houses where the doors are somehow too small, or when his stupid, no good, can go to hell, aunt Maggie had told Shane he was “the one that looked like a woman” in their relationship, insulting both of them with one single fucking smile.

“Alex,” He called, even when he wasn’t sure why. The boy waited, leaning towards him while still walking. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” he sighed. “I’m just really worried about Tommy, it’s all.”

Ryan looked over at him once he caught up with the boy, observing his profile and finding his nose really similar to the Madej nose. He wondered where he was from, yet said nothing but,

“Don’t you notice something weird in here?”

Alex looked around, then back at him with a frown. “Not really. These woods are creepy, but… no.”

“Uhm.”

The man sighed, his feet were hurting and he was getting hungry.

He had some snacks in his and Shane’s backpack, but he wasn’t so sure if this cub scout would let him stop for a second and eat.

Ryan frowned, he couldn’t believe he was really following around some mood-switching pre-teen he had just met—and with that, his front collided with someone else. Alex had his arms extended to his sides, preventing Ryan from getting any closer.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan murmured, looking in front.

“Listen,” Alex said, even lower.

Ryan tried his best to hear, he even moved his head as if his ears could pick up what he was sure wasn’t there. Was this how Shane felt when Ryan swore the light at the door was obstructed by steps? He swallowed and waited for the boy to clear things up.

“We are near the water. We were supposed to be walking the other way around!” He said, suddenly running.

“Alex! Wait!”

Ryan ran behind him, an overwhelming bad feeling filled his entire body and he tried his best not to think much on it as Shane was always telling him. Yet, the kid was running as if his life depended on it, as if something was following them.

If he looked back, would the devil be there? The Mothman itself? Ryan panted, tried to not feel tired but all the stress of the week and how little he had been sleeping were getting the best of him, until Alex came into a halt, turning his body to Ryan to stop him with his arms.

They made eye contact for a second, then the boy was looking down at something—water. A river bank, and what looked like used napkins over a rock.

“Someone was here.” Alex pointed out the obvious. “Look at this…” He said, steps well planted in the mod and Ryan recognized it right away.

“Shane…” He looked around, Alex went up after crouching for a few seconds, eyes fixated on Ryan.

“You keep saying that name.” He murmured.

Ryan looked at him frowning. “It’s my husband’s name, I told you.”

“You didn’t.” He answered, still with that strange expression of his. “It’s also my grandfather’s name.” He commented, Ryan only nodded and walked away, searching. “He’s not here!” He heard Alex said, but he kept looking. “Ryan, these were used at least half an hour ago, they are already dry!”

Cold sweat pearled his forehead, thinking of how Shane was lost and alone. He did great in moments of darkness, didn’t seem to fear normal things—but this was a real threat. Both had seen the creature, and the woods alone were filled with feral animals and other dangers that could touch Shane at any moment—

Ryan closed his eyes.

He could hear his name in the distance, but standing underwater was something he did more often than he cared to admit.

Ryan felt outside his own body now, he could see the scene from another point of view: he had been fighting that entire week with his husband, the man he loved and the person he trusted the most, the one he chose to be with for the rest of his days and on—why hadn’t he been able to forgive him earlier?

It all seemed so stupid now, even with the gentle hands making circles on his back, the desperate voice asking for him to calm down.

What if something happened to Shane? He would, he would get hurt—he could die—he would go without knowing the truth, the real reason Ryan had been freaking out on him all these days.

“Ryan!” He heard at his side, he looked up to find Shane’s face, worried and scared.

Trying to talk in this situation was pointless, Ryan only blinked hoping Shane would remember their little signal for these moments of distress. He’ll be fine, if Shane was there—he’d be fine.

Shane needed to know. He deserved to know, it was—it was his, too. They decided this, they had been preparing for this for a year now, this is what Ryan wanted—

“Ryan!”

Alex was looking at him with the most frightened expression Ryan has seen in the boy so far.

This was another dude that seemed to not be afraid of anything the dark had to offer. He moved around as though he knew nature like the palm of his hand, gave orders and expected to be followed. His cheerful persona was matched to Ryan’s, if just a little bit more cocky and naïve.

Ryan knew this boy. He had looked like Shane just a second ago. What the hell was going on?

“Ryan?”

The man nodded, Alex blinked a couple of times and sighed, sitting on the ground by letting his ass lazily fall. Ryan followed suit, sitting and breathing in-and-out, in-and-out.

Soon, the kid offered him a bottle with water and Ryan took it once his breathing was normalized.

“Alright, so…” Alex watched him drink, the way he was looking at him was kind of intense. “You have panic attacks.” He said, and Ryan nodded after drinking, giving him the bottle back. “Is that why you have nausea?”

“I don’t—“

“You hesitated to take the bottle to your mouth after smelling it.” He interrupted. Jesus. This kid was too observant. “It’s not just that, but every time we are near mud or when you ask to stop for rest—“ He arched an eyebrow. “Every fifteen and twenty minutes, by the way—you make this face…” He frowned, making a funny face with his mouth curled and his nose wrinkled. “You have nausea.”

“Okay… doctor Alex.”

He shook his head. “Is it from the fear?”

Ryan thought about it. About how this whole situation was ridiculous and unlikely to be real, so be it he sounded like Shane himself now. He sighed, stretching his legs in front of him as he looked at the young boy.

“No.” He said. “I’m trans.” The boy blinked, then frowned.

“What does that mean?”

Well fuck. Did this kid didn’t touch the internet or something? Ryan licked his lips and cleared his throat.

“I—I’m a guy, but I was... born different.” He explained, Alex blinked a couple of times. “So I… changed my body to fit who I am.”

“I understand.” The boy answered, curiosity adorning his face. No disgust, fear or reject. Just curiosity, like any other kid. It made Ryan smile a little. “But what does that have to do with the nausea?” He frowned, hugging his legs to his chest holding his own hands under his thighs.

Ryan swallowed, not sure what was moving him to be this honest with a stranger.

“I’m pregnant.”

* * *

 

Tommy kept singing while Shane carried them. Their feet were too tiny, waiting for the kid to catch up with Shane’s big steps was just slowing them down, and Shane wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible.

He never thought his experience in this place would go like this, having seen—God forgive, having seen what was most likely to be the so-called Mothman, a real creature nature had allowed, and finding this kid alone in here.

They were something else, Shane wasn’t sure what to make out of them.

He didn’t want to disrespect and confuse them, so he kept everything he had observed so far within him. From the kid’s happy nature and the way they talked about their family, he was sure they had a good one. So if there was something to say later in their life, maybe they would find support.

Like Ryan had, with his parents and brother. Every time he was reminded of the kind of support Ryan had gotten, it made him want to cry out of happiness.

Maybe some members of his extended family did not understand, may never understand—but Ryan had been lucky, and he was grateful every day, as Ryan always told him.

Meanwhile, Shane had been… in a strange situation, when he came out.

“Do you sing?” Tommy asked, hands in Shane’s hair as he carried them on his shoulders now.

“ _Only in the shower_ ,” He sang, making them wheeze. It sounded cute as hell, he hoped his kid will do it just like their father.

Shane blinked a couple of times as Tommy talked about the songs they knew.

Thinking this way of his future child was starting to feel normal, and now he had the situation that—that what if he is wrong? What if it’s something else, or Ryan takes another decision at the end? They have been having so much trouble lately.

Fuck.

“Shane!” He heard after the slap on both his cheeks, not really that hard but still there, he felt and that woke him from his own thinking. “You are not listening to me!”

“Ouch, kiddo!” Shane frowned, looking up. Tommy showed him their tongue and Shane rolled his eyes. Kids. “That hurt, little one. What was it?”

“Sorry, but you weren’t listening!”

“Sorry, sorry!”

“I asked you if your husband knew any Spanish songs?” they said, Shane thought of those _boleros_ things Ryan’s grandma always put on while they visited. He liked the music of those. Some lyrics he had searched online. So incredibly romantic and dramatic. “Like _La Ventanita_.”

“I don’t think he knows that one. How does it go?”

He had the kid singing to him some song that sounded very cheerful and so not about these dark woods that kept getting clearer. Not like if the sun was coming out, but just… cleared. Eyes adapting to darkness in a strange way, as if he could suddenly see in the dark. It was all so strange, he wasn’t sure what explanation there was for any of this.

Boy, that was gonna be some weird ass conversation with the crew and the authorities.

“Grandma hears other songs, too. Like…” Tommy sighed, Shane had learned by now that when they did that before singing, it meant they were getting ready to pronounce some funny Spanish. “ _Solo hay unaaaaa… Solo hay unaaaa…_ ”

Shane chuckle. He knew that song. He and cousin Alberto had been bothering Ryan with it an entire week when they went to Mexico for Rita’s wedding. He didn’t know what the hell it said in English until Ryan searched it for him, it had been so stupid—and fitting. So stupid.

“I don’t know what else,” Tommy said, Shane nodded. “Abue likes that one a lot.”

“ _O tu o ninguna, no tengo salida…_ ” He murmured-singed, his Spanish was fucking horrible—but the kid’s reaction, Tommy jumped and clapped on his damn shoulders. “Ouch, wait—kiddo, that hurts!”

“Sorry!” They said, sounding cheerful. “You know the song!”

“A little.”

He knew it all. He knew a couple, actually. Probably the only Spanish stuff he knew how to pronounce more or less alright, mostly because it was a song. He just liked to dance with Ryan to it, when they had the chance.

“ _Pues detrás de ti, mi amor…_ ” and the kid repeated what he had sung, Shane smiled but then frowned at the sight of something similar to a flicker of light farther away. People? He kept walking, not wanting to alarm Tommy. “ _Si no existieras, yo te inventaría… como el sol al día…_ ”

“You don’t know the right part next?” The kid noticed, Shane smiled up at them.

“I don’t know how to pronounce it,” he said, and Tommy caressed his hair like if he was a dog.

“Me neither. Papa says it’s okay if you don’t know.”

Shane smiled, the flicker of light came back. He sighed, skipping that part to Ryan’s favorite. “ _Confidente de mis sueños… de mis pasos cada día—_ ”

“ _Su mirada es mi camino_ ,” Tommy continued, making Shane smile.

“ _Y su dicha ya mi vida…_ ”

He kept walking, the kid singing the parts they seemed to remember and then those he wanted to repeat from Shane. The flicker didn’t come back, but by the time they had reached the musical interlude of the song, Shane finally realized the scenario had changed again—

“ _O tú o ninguna, no tengo salida…_ ” He sang-murmured again, looking around. “ _Pues detrás de ti, mi amor…_ ”

Fuck this place.

“ _Tan solo hay... bruma…_ ” He swallowed, Tommy laughed at his bad pronunciation but kept repeating the song with him. “ _Si no existieras, yo te inventaría—_ “

The river was gone, and so were most of the trees. A big one seemed to cover a hole in some sort of wall. The stone igloo? Shane walked ahead, Tommy had stopped singing, maybe noticing what was happening or just waiting for Shane to guide the song.

“ _Como el sol al día, amor…_ ” He kept the song going, suddenly so tired. “ _Tú… O tú o ninguna…_ ”

In the silence, Shane swallowed and looked at the darkness staring back at him of that entrance. He had read many fantastic stories, all of them coming to a climax where something stupid is committed. This was it, he guessed. And he was not gonna expose this kid to that kind of bullshit.

“We are lost…” Tommy said, defeated.

Shane carried them off his shoulders, putting them in the ground as he thought.

“Just give me a second to think, kiddo,” Shane said, seeing them nodding from the corner of his eye. “We are not, don’t worry—we’ll find a way.”

“Okay.”

What.

Shane blinked, slowly looking up at the kid, something cold at the bottom of his back. The voice had sounded different, louder, less like a kid, more like—

“What’s wrong, Shane?”

He blinked a couple of times, wishing the sight in front of him would go and the kid would appear again. This was… so bizarre. This was NOT happening.

“Shane, you look—are you freaking out?”

Tiny hands touched his face, long and blue nails scratching gently at his stubble and his eyes went wider. The—the girl, the person in damn school uniform, a skirt, and short black hair, got their hands away immediately, as if afraid of Shane’s reaction.

“What’s wrong? You are scaring me!” She—they, they, they said.

“Ryan?”

They frowned, blinking a couple of times. “Reina.”

* * *

 

Alex seemed a sporty kid, Ryan wondered if his own would be like him or more like Shane in the matter. And he wouldn’t lie, he wanted so bad to teach them to play, pass that love for his teams like his dad did to him—if Shane was okay with it.

“I’m assuming you play baseball,” Ryan commented as they walked near the shore, Alex looked at him and nodded. “And you are a cub scout, too. What else did you mention you do?”

“Well…” The kid seemed to think about it. “I like playing chess, so I’m in the club, I’m also in the drama club and I’m in the school’s band.”

Ryan nodded this time, thinking. “God, and when do you do your homework?”

“Ah, don’t worry about it!” He said. “I’m fast with that. I mean, I’m not…” He swallowed, scratching the back of his head. “I’m not the most brilliant student, but I do my best. I need to maintain certain grades to be part of the band anyway.”

“Really?”

“Uh, yeah. Dad’s condition.” He sighed, no longer looking happy. Ryan frowned. “I like band. I like chess, too… but sometimes I feel like if it takes a lot of my time. I wish mom wouldn’t be so disappointed if I dropped out.”

“Well, if you don’t like it—”

“I do like it!” He looked at Ryan. “I do. It’s just—sometimes it gets in the way of band practice or drama rehearsals. And baseball!” He sighed deeper. “It tires me so much! But grandpa literally fought people to get me in the team and he comes home every weekend to teach me and help me practice, I can’t… I can’t just leave it.”

Holy shit, no. Ryan hoped his kid wouldn’t be like that. Ever. Fuck that.

“Dude, if you are not into those things—or if you are but you are practicing them like this for other people, you should drop them all. Do what you wanna do.”

Alex laughed, some self-deprecating tone all over it and it only made Ryan kinda angry. Not at him but at his parents. Who lets their kid overwork themselves like this? When was this boy just the kid he was? At what hour?

“I like baseball, too. I do.” He murmured, then frowned. “And I’m good at it. I just don’t want to dedicate my life to it, that’s all.”

“Then you don’t have to,” Ryan said, sighing. “Why you do this to yourself, man? Sounds like you never have time for yourself.”

Alex didn’t add anything else and Ryan desisted from insisting. If the kid didn’t want to talk about it, he shouldn’t make him do so. He had been discreet and respectful of him until now, Ryan didn’t want to antagonize him, become one of those annoying adults that think they know better.

In fact, he was sure he knew shit.

When he had been younger and confused, he had wanted to do as much as Alex did and then none. He had been in the basketball, volleyball and the damn dance team. He had also had a year when he tried to not be… himself. Wanted to fit, be what he considered normal at the time. He even used his dead name, called himself things he wasn’t.

“I don’t need time for myself,” Alex said, his voice sounding older, more like Shane. “Believe me, I’m better like this.”

“Jesus, why?” Ryan sighed, the river was going on forever and he was already tired again. And hungry.

“It’s the noise.” He said. “I fucking hate how loud my head can be and I just—I’m okay not thinking about some things.”

Ryan frowned again, he was seriously gonna kick this kid’s parents.

“Why is that?”

But he said nothing again, instead stopped and looked at Ryan. He was taller again, this weird ass dream was starting to get Ryan to only feel annoyed and pissed. This couldn’t be good for his baby.

“You know, I—“ Alex tried, he frowned and looked down. “It’s nothing.”

“Hey, now.” Ryan put a hand on his shoulder. “You can tell me, I’m not gonna judge you. Hell, I owe you as much.”

“Why?” Alex returned the question. “Is it for the trans thing?” Alex sighed. “You know, Ryan, I wouldn’t judge you or anyone for something like that. That’s a dick move,” He said, it made Ryan smile wide. “Don’t—“ He blushed, Ryan smiled even more. “Don’t do that, please.” He looked down.

 _Oh_. Fucking adorable.

“Calm down, champ. Let’s go.”

Ryan walked ahead, feeling Alex move behind him with some hesitation.

“It would also be kinda hypocritical of me to judge anyone… _different_.” He said, Ryan turned around to see him playing with the straps of his backpack, looking at the ground. “You know… I like boys. A lot. Maybe more than I like girls. I mean, I like both but…”

Ryan blinked a couple of times. This kid was something else. Could he be scared of this? Christ, shit hadn’t changed at all out there, had it?

“I understand,” Ryan said, Alex seemed to be struggling too hard. It was probably the first time he admitted it out loud. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

He seemed to think on it for a few seconds, then looked at Ryan in an apologetic way. “I—I would rather talk about it, it’s just… I don’t really have anyone to talk about it.” He swallowed. “All my friends are straight… my brother could tell my parents, and I don’t know—I don’t know how they would take it.”

Ryan nodded, walking back to Alex’s side to listen. Both started to walk together, the boy still looking down at his moving feet.

“I have great parents!” Alex said, for the first time starting to sound real. “I do. They are kind and good, and accepting… but one thing is our neighbor being a lesbian and another is their son being…”

“Bi?” Ryan offered. “Bisexual.”

“Maybe?” He blushed again. “I—I don’t know.”

“Alex, you are… so young. You have time to figure it out. Whatever term makes you feel comfortable in your own skin, that’s yours.” He said, like he had told himself so many years ago. “I understand, though.” Ryan sighed. “God, I was so terrified of telling my parents about this… but I lucked out.” He admitted. “I have a great family, too.”

“Yeah.” Alex sounded away, Ryan looked at his side to find him deep in thought. “I kind of envy you a little.”

“Why?”

“Well, I guess you are out?” He looked at Ryan, the man nodded. “You are married and having a baby! I can only think how much people probably tell you shit to your face, but you’re still going on—marrying dudes and having babies.”

Ryan wheezed at that, it sounded so simple.

His happy life was the result of fighting. First with himself, then with his fears and insecurities. It was a year of friendship with the man that had become the love of his life, his judgmental second and third generation aunts and uncles looking at him weird, making odd comments and judging him big time when he “ended up with a man, anyway”.

It cost a few big fights with Shane before getting engaged. How much Ryan’s insecurities had hurt the big guy before—those days when the dysphoria would hit so hard, he didn’t even want Shane to look at him, let alone touch him. And when he thought himself a failure as a transman for loving another guy “anyway”, for being attracted to dudes “anyway”, and then for wanting a baby “in the end”.

By God, it had cost him to come to terms with himself and the fact that he wanted it, he wanted to have a child of his own. Now that he knew he was pregnant, that he had seen the results of three different tests, had been told by the blood test that _yes, Ryan Bergara-Madej, you are freakin’ expecting a child of your own_ , the old doubts were back.

He wished he could have told all of this to Shane earlier. Maybe if they had talked about their doubts and insecurities together, they would have never fought last week.

“You’ll find somebody great,” Ryan assured Alex. “Just give it time. You are too young to be thinking like this, okay? It’ll come. Concentrate on yourself right now and try to enjoy stuff.”

“You sound like such a dad,” He chuckled.

Ryan smiled. “Shut up.”

They remained in silence, only then Ryan realized there was not even a single star in the sky. This place was truly upsetting. And yet, he didn’t feel really that bad in the moment. He was still having that uneasy feeling of before, was still thinking of Shane and how much he wanted to get back home now.

But the fear, it had gone down. Like when Shane’s sole presence soothed him.

Ryan side-eyed Alex.

“I would love to get married,” Alex said. “To a guy, probably. I would spoil him rotten.” Ryan giggled at that, Alex kept talking. “And have a kid! Why not? I’m great with children!”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yep!” He assured, finally sounding cheerful again. “I babysit our neighbor’s toddler sometimes. And I’m the favorite cousin of my little cousins.”

“You sound just like my husband…”

Alex smiled at him. “Although…” The boy frowned, Ryan blinked a couple of times. “I don’t know what I would do with a baby?”

Ryan moved his head to one side. “What do you mean?”

“Well… have you seen my limbs? I’m too big, they are so tiny! What if I drop them? They would die, I’m too tall!” He said, Ryan bit his cheek inside his mouth to not laugh. “Are you nuts? I’m fifteen and I look like a paperman! I may be like my dad when I grow up, then the baby would be even tinier. What the hell am I gonna do with one?”

He sounded so much like Shane in that moment, Ryan couldn’t stop smiling until he realized the boy was being honest. He had a worried expression on his face, his concerns were real—only then Ryan realized, maybe this was it.

This was why Shane had reacted the way he did, having these silly yet real reasonings about things to come, with them and a child. Maybe he was unsure of himself as a parent, couldn’t see himself dealing well with a small child that would depend on him for safety and pretty much everything.

Shane always tried to make himself smaller, look as casual as possible so no one would look twice at him, but that height always made it almost impossible. And then, of course, he knew Shane—he always knew Shane thought he wasn’t enough for Ryan, that he had just gotten lucky to be sat down in front of him because otherwise, Ryan would have never noticed him.

His insecurities were always told with a smile and some funny joke, some funny voice, some funny consequence that hurt him even deeper. Ryan had learned now, how to react to these things and how to help in the afterglow of it.

Right now, though. Ryan was sure Shane needed to know about his, about his pregnancy.

“You know, you remind me a lot of our nephew.” Ryan looked at Alex, a very tall figure was on his place and Ryan looked up to find—“Of Alfie, you remind me of…”

“What’s wrong?”

Ryan’s eyes went wide open and he looked around, trying to find Alex, but boy, oh boy—he went directly to Shane’s arms, hugging him tight as he tried his best not to sob on his husband’s chest.

“Wow, hey!” Shane said, Ryan felt his eyes water and closed them as he cuddled himself on his chest. “Hey, Ryan? Are you okay?”

“You are so stupid, I’m so glad you are here!” Ryan said, Shane wasn’t hugging him back.

“What—“ He said, “Uhm, Ryan we’ve been together all this time. What’s wrong? Do you need some medication? An aspirin? Do you want water? Maybe we should stop to eat something.”

“Shane?” Ryan looked up at him, frown on his face. Shane moved his head and frowned back.

“What? Dude, you need to eat something. Come on, let’s sit down over here…” Shane signaled the shore again, only then Ryan noticed he was carrying Alex’s backpack and an outfit he has seen before on Sherry’s liv—

“Alex?” Ryan asked in a dry murmur.

“What?” The man with his husband’s face looked at him.

* * *

 

A small child Shane could deal with, a teenager that looked like Ryan’s teen pictures before his transition… that was another level.

“Okay, you are scaring me.” Tommy—Reina, they said. They crossed their arms over their chest. “You—you’re looking at me strangely.”

“Shit.” Shane looked down, and walked away from them just a little. He squeezed the bridge of his nose and tried to think. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention, it’s just—“ He swallowed. “I don’t understand anything that is happening now.”

They chuckled behind Shane, seemed to be playing with his feet on the ground. When Shane managed to look back again, he found Reina kicking the same plant again and again, not really trying to use any force.

“Yeah, me neither.” They said. “Who does anyway?”

Oh no, teenage angst. Shane swallowed, not ready for any of this.

What was this? Did Mothman was trying to teach him a lesson on parenthood? Was this what was this about? Him being able to see how much of a bad dad he would be since he can’t handle a small child and a teenager.

He swallowed and shook his head.

“We need to get out of here,” Shane said, going about everything as if the adorable child hadn’t turned into a teenager in seconds. “Come on, man.”

“Don’t call me that.” They said.

Jesus. Shane swallowed and tried to remember everything Ryan had shared with him about being unsure on his teen years, the names and labels he used for himself, how his parents dealt with it.

Truth was, both of them had been lucky with their families. At least with their parents and brothers — aunts and uncles who are nosy can go fuck themselves — they had been fortunate kids, but they didn’t know that early on, both had taken their time… suffered the doubt in silence. Maybe it was similar for this kid.

“Okay, I’m gonna ask you a few strange questions,” Shane said, turning around to find the same person with short hair and a female uniform. He found the school’s insignia familiar, Shane recognized it as the one from Ryan’s Catholic school growing up. “Is that okay? I want to ask you a few questions so we can keep a respectful conversation and I don’t fuck up big time.”

The kid hugged themselves to their chest again, Shane swallowed. He didn’t want to make them uncomfortable.

“You can say no, don’t worry about it. I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“That’s alright. What is it?”

“Okay…” Shane licked his lips, they looked down for a few seconds and turned to him when he spoke again. “You want me to call you Reina, right? I, uhmm—I met you as Tommy, remember?”

“I know.” They said.

“Right, so Reina. That’s—that’s ‘queen’ in English.”

“I know what my name means, sir.”

Shane nodded, they sounded so much like Ryan when he was annoyed at him. Lately, all the time.

“I keep referring to you as, like— _they_. In my head, you know. Because—that doesn’t matter, it’s just… are you okay with that?”

They frowned. “With what?”

“Me referring to you as ‘they’?”

The frown went deeper. “What?” They said. “Dude, just call me Reina. Don’t use Tommy, I’m not a boy.”

“I’m not a b—that’s why, you know—“ Shane breathed in, then out. “I’m so bad at this…” He murmured to himself. How had he learned to talk to people? He couldn’t remember now. Had he been this stupid and awkward when Ryan first trusted him enough to tell him about his transition? He really lucked out with that man. “I’m gonna be a terrible father, aren’t I?”

The kid chuckled, walking towards him again. They had leggings under their skirt and short hair, they had that ‘sporty air’ about them in the way Shane was always tormenting Ryan about when he let him go through some selected pictures. It was just silly of him to deny this person wasn’t supposed to resemble, if not be, Ryan.

“I don’t think you’ll be so bad,” Reina said. “We’ve surviving out here, aren’t we? You’ll be alright.”

Shane smiled, that was kinda nice of Reina—but fuck, this whole situation, dream or real, it was driving him crazy.

For how long have they been walking? For how long have they been here? He said nothing else, only followed them to keep walking, the aperture he found earlier calling his attention as if he knew he needed to go there.

That was Fantasy Movie 101. The hero enters the cave to try and duel their insecurities, and end the conflict stopping them from moving forward. Most fail the test, some endure and the next obstacle is just bigger—sometimes, the story ends there.

Did he needed to, like, venture inside and find… what would he find? A baby that needed to be changed? Shane chuckled, Reina looked back at him.

“You’re weird,” they said, Shane laughed some more. “Even weirder now.”

“Thank you,” Shane answered, taking a deep breath before looking at the place again. This time, Reina looked at it, too.

“We should just rest, you know?” They said. “I don’t know about you, but my feet are killing me and I’m starting to feel my eyes closing.”

Shane arched an eyebrow. “You want to sleep in the dark woods where the Mothman lives?”

Reina frowned. “What Mothman? Jesus, dude—“ They unzipped their backpack, not grey and pink. No stickers. “Okay, I got… mom’s apple pie, what’s left of my bento, a lot of gum and—chips. Salty chips.” They offered. “What do you want?”

He had two options: scary and probably dangerous cave in his dream, or sitting down to have an unhealthy dinner with his husband’s clone.

“What’s in that bento?” Shane said, following Reina to the nearest tree and sitting with them.

They showed him the bento, there were a few rolls and some rice. Shane took it and they smiled at him, taking the pie and putting a portion of it inside the bento for him.

“That’s alright, eat that.”

“It’s fine, I’ll take some of the chips, too.”

“Okay.”

He has had some awkward first dinners, but this one felt actually nice. The silence between them didn’t feel like if it needed to be filled, it reminded him of how he knew Ryan was the one—they could stay in the dark and say nothing, or say so much, one of them ending up admitting, “I never told this to anyone before”.

Now, looking at Reina and how similar they were to Ryan, he knew there was a chance this experience he was living was with the younger self of his husband, because he has seen this movie before, and he needed to find out what he was lacking to escape.

Or something.

“You know, for a dude that never stops talking about his partner, you haven’t actually said anything real about him.” Shane frowned, Reina smiled at him. “All I know about him is that his name is Ryan, he has a grandma that talks Spanish and you two are married.”

“Uhmmm…” Shane swallowed his food, “What do you wanna know?”

“Uh, nothing.” They looked away. “I just found it strange.”

He blinked a couple of times. “Why?”

“Well, you know…” Their hand went to their hair, playing with the tips behind their ear. “It’s like… if he is a big secret.”

God, no. Shane frowned and shook his head. “Never. You say that like… if you meant something else.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know.” They answered. “You keep saying you guys are going to be parents. If you don’t want to have a kid, why you just… don’t?”

“I never said that.” The frown went deeper. “It’s not that easy, alright.”

They shrugged. “Why not? You cancel the adoption and that’s it.”

Shane played with a grain of raise on his mouth, then swallowed it. “We are not adopting.”

This felt weird. If he talked about it with Ryan’s possible younger self, would it make any difference? Would this fucked up dream finally end? He saw Reina eating their chips, their eyes went to his face a couple of times, but every instance, they went back to the ground. Strange.

“What are you guys doing then?”

Shane left the plate aside, food long gone. He didn’t realize he had been hungry until they sat down to eat. Reina took the topper, putting it away on their backpack.

“I believe he may be pregnant.”

They frowned. “What?”

Well. “He is trans, and he wanted to try to have a baby biologically; I agreed. So we’ve been trying to conceive for a while now… and I think it may have finally worked.”

They seemed to think about it, like trying to really understand what Shane was saying and wow—

“You can do that?” They murmured as if someone could listen to them.

Shane wanted to laugh, mostly out of nervousness and because there was—there was something he had heard of before but never thought he’d live to know what it was. He wondered if Ryan would believe him if he got out of here, that he had this encounter and this exact conversation.

“If that’s what the person wants, why not?” He answered, as calmly as possible. “I mean, I… don’t have a voice in any of this. I’m just talking about my husband. He took that decision, I had nothing to do with it until it was my turn to get involved and talk about us being parents together.” Shane sighed. “He would have had probably wanted to be a dad even without me.”

Reina looked conflicted but kept eating. “Cool,” they said. “Then, why are you so stressed?”

“Jesus, what are you? A therapist?” He said, trying hard not to smile but Reina’s little giggle did it to him. “I just—“

Reina shrugged again. “Look, you agreed to it. I guess having a kid is something—super serious. You said you have been trying for a while, and now that it’s happening you aren’t sure?”

“Okay, first… adult stuff,” he said, finger up. It made Reina giggle louder. “I’m not the best at adult stuff, okay? And then, well—it’s one thing to _think_ you’ll be ready for when it happens and another very big, very different thing when you are sure it’s coming and you are definitely not ready.”

He sighed, the kid was looking at him as if waiting for more. It unnerved him.

“Besides, it’s just… so many things happened before. Trying and waiting for it to happen, it made me so tired—“ He licked his bottom lip, then swallowed. “It was hurting him so much, and I would—I would do _anything_ for Ryan, but this was making him so sad, and hurt, and dysphoric as hell, I just—I couldn’t keep it up for longer, I was so frustrated, I just made a joke! I joke when I’m distressed, that’s all.”

Reina was frowning, looking at him like they were trying to decipher some puzzle on his face.

“What did you do?” They murmured.

“I made a joke,” he said again, something catching in his throat. His chest hurt. It seemed to be getting darker. “A bad one. I was… like, saying I didn’t like babies.”

Reina’s face seemed preoccupied now, frowning again. “Why would you do that if you’re gonna be a dad?”

“I know, alright!” Shane answered, annoyed. Not at them, but at himself, seeing once again how insensitive and kinda stupid, but still ridiculously innocent the thing was. “I know, I know. I apologized like a million times—and in any other moment, I know Ryan would have looked past it. We are mean to each other all the time, and this one wasn’t even meant to be about or for him—it’s just…”

“What?”

“This is such a hard theme for him!” He answered, losing awareness of where he was, “Everything I say to him about it offends him, I don’t know how to talk about it without hurting him—and I just want him to stop hurting! I said we should wait again, maybe stop trying because it’s only killing him slowly, and I can’t watch the man I love live like this anymore!” and to who he was talking to.

Reina moved their head to the side. “And couldn’t you just tell him that?”

“But I did!” He answered. “He just never listens, it doesn’t matter how I approach him with it, he doesn’t want to know anything about it and what am I supposed to do? If I ask someone else, I would be talking about our private affairs and he doesn’t like that. If I google it, he would say I’m looking at him like he’s something to research, and he hates that. How the fuck am I supposed to know?”

As they looked at each other in silence, Shane’s back felt cold and the rest of him hot, like having a fever. Reina didn’t move, she went back to her chips while sporting a thoughtful face. Shane breathed in and out, not sure of what use he had of yelling all this. There was none, right? This stupid dream better end soon.

“Do you actually want children?” Reina asked, blinking a couple of times while Shane took his time to answer. “Or did you say yes because it’s something Ryan wants?”

Ryan had asked him this a million times now, he always answered with an evasive or a final ‘yes’ that didn’t quite feel right. But the answer came right away off him in front of this kid.

“Yes,” he simply said. “I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do with a small child, though.” He said, Reina smiled at him a little. “What if I drop them? God, I’m not even that good at expressing feelings—what if they feel unloved by me?”

Reina chuckled. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen, pal,” they said. “Look, you shouldn’t… beat yourself over something you will never know unless you experience it in real life.”

“I guess so…” Shane swallowed. “He is pregnant now, so I will know.”

“Shane,” Reina called him, their hands going to his. “It’s okay to be afraid, we all are at some point. You can’t be brave and keep going without first being afraid.”

“I…” Shane smiled, he felt his cheeks warm. “I, I guess.”

“Don’t guess, dude. Just accept you’re afraid and think of how you can confront it. For you, you can do it for your husband and your baby, too—but first do it for you,” they said, then sighed. “Mom says that all the time. It works sometimes.”

“Yeah?”

Reina nodded. “I’m afraid all the time,” they admitted, fingers playing with Shane’s. “I feel fear… everywhere. But I guess that’s what makes me keep going, too.”

“Rei—“

Something moved above them in the trees, both looked up immediately before a loud shriek made them jump on their feet and run.

* * *

 

“Alex?” Ryan asked again, the man with his husband’s face smiled at him asking ‘yes?’ and Ryan blinked. “Do… do you have any other name? What’s your name?”

“Alexander.” He answered, taking the backpack off of his shoulders. “Shane Alexander,” he said and Ryan’s heart started to beat faster. “Kind of like your husband! Hey,” Alex blinked a couple of times, looking at Ryan. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“No, nothing.”

Not a ghost, but some sort of vision. He really must be dreaming or— the Mothman must seriously be an interdimensional being, teaching him a lesson? If he solved the mystery of why he was walking around some woods with Shane’s younger self, would he go back to his reality a new man, and finally fix shit with his husband?

Ryan thought of all his options, there weren’t many and he wasn’t thinking clearly for obvious reasons, but something must be— something needed to happen, he needed to get out this dream already— He had important matters to discuss with Shane after all.

“Alex, you have any siblings?”

“An older brother, Scott.” He answered, looking around and starting to walk. “Let’s go, I need us to get out of here soon.”

“What? You got a date or something?” Ryan asked, making Alex wheeze. It sounded so much like his husband, Ryan wanted to die a little.

“Date,” he laughed, it made Ryan shiver.

This boy was Shane.

This boy **_was_** Shane. He stopped walking.

“What?” Alex frowned, Ryan looked at him, blinking as too much went on his head. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

Alex hadn’t been a kid, he worried too much and wanted to please everyone around him, everyone he loved. How many times had he say yes to do stuff he didn’t want just to make someone else happy? Chess, baseball, the cub scouts, his school’s grades.

Suddenly, Ryan’s fear of Shane saying yes to basically anything Ryan wanted just to make him happy was very real. It was standing right in front of him, making himself smaller, nervously talking about how he didn’t want to disappoint anyone he cared about.

It made him feel sick.

“Hey, Alex?” Ryan murmured, Alex leaned down as if wanting to hear him better. He was so fucking tall, Jesus. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, you know?”

Alex nodded. “I know.”

“People that care about you will still love you, no matter what.” The man nodded again, Ryan hoped he didn’t sound crazy. “If you think saying yes to something you’re not sure of will make your partner happy or something, it won’t…” He swallowed, his stomach dropping. “Your partner wants you to be happy, too.”

The man was looking at him weird, like trying to understand what he was saying. At his silence, Ryan kept going, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“You don’t need to be anyone else, do anything else. The people that love you do so because of who you are, not for what you do.”

Alex blinked tears away, Ryan had seen his eyes water and had for a second wanted to hug him. But regardless of who he obviously was, Ryan didn’t exist in this man’s life. Yet. He still thought Lorca was the love of his life, that they would somehow end up together. He wasn’t out to his parents yet, to most people actually—sort of.

 _Everyone knew, I just pretended I didn’t need to say it out loud,_ Shane had explained to him a while back. It costed him so much, sometimes, to admit he had been afraid. He had thought maybe that was in part why he showed himself so stoic in the face of these situations, of the darkness and the strange noises. He understood later, Shane just had a different understanding of fear.

It was the same, for both of them.

“You are enough.” Ryan murmured. “More than enough.”

It was just that Ryan could see it, the fear. It followed him in every step, became shadows and black masses that were loud, talked red, looked shapeless. Shane didn’t, he grounded it into his reality, became whatever to prevent it and then left it aside.

Alex’s frown looked sad now, he looked away, covering his eyes with one large hand and Ryan tried to touch him again—and a scream put them both on alert.

They looked at each other before running towards it, away from where there had been a river.

* * *

 

Shane really didn’t think about what they were doing, just that they needed some safety if they were to survive this thing following them. Reina wasn’t yelling, though—they looked braver than Shane felt, but Shane still kept them behind him, letting them pull him back every time they could see something he didn’t.

Inside the tree, where that cave-like entrance had been, little golden lights like fireflies and fluorescent plants surrounded them and the light coming in from outside was cut off when something landed in there. Reina yelled, and Shane put them behind him.

“It’s fine, we— we are gonna be fine.” Shane swallowed, putting a hand on his pocket, just to remember he didn’t have his phone with him. “Fuck…” He licked his bottom lip. “I need a camera.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Reina whisper-yelled at him. “That’s what you’re thinking while a giant moth follows us into a wood cave without a way out?!”

Shane smiled a little, his throat was closing. He knew they were right, but…

“Listen, this would be so good for Ryan—“

“What?” They almost yelled. “You’re insane! You are fucking insane!”

“Ryan has spent a lot of time and worked hard for this show, for the two of us. This is so important to him, if I can get him that footage—“

“You’re gonna die!” they said, Shane looked at them as they pulled him away from where they had been standing. “You think that’s what he wants? You dying for something so fucking useless as a stupid film?!” Shane opened his mouth to answer, but Reina was faster. “What if you die? Are you just gonna leave your husband like that? Your baby? Is that what you want?”

“It’s not—“ He frowned, "I'm nothing good in Ryan's life, I'm just stopping him from what he really wants— I can't be the husband he deserves, I can't be the dad he needs me to be, I can't even give him a child, but this is something I could do!"

A sharp pain on his cheek made him realize his head had been moved, Reina had slapped him with watery eyes, and was probably ready to do it any time again. Their hands went to Shane’s shoulders and he frowned once more.

“Listen to me, you big, big moron. Do you really think anybody would stay with someone they don’t want, just because? I don’t believe for a second, with the way you talk about him and your relationship, anything you just said.”

They shook him a little before speaking again. “It’s okay to be afraid, asshole. It’s okay to have doubts, but killing yourself over whatever you think will give you brownie points is stupid. It’s fucking selfish.”

They licked their lips and made a small pause.

“Leaving is very easy,” they sounded like his mother so many years ago, when he had finally told her about him and Lorca. “But what about everything else? Everything you could have done and been, your child! Why would you leave a child for something so stupid, why did you agree to have them if you are just gonna bail the moment you get the most extreme chance? What kind of man are you?”

But before Shane could say anything, a gust of wind pushed them both away and into the ground.

Reina sobbed, arms around Shane after crawling to him. Their desperation to keep him safe confused him—Shane blinked a couple of times, and before he could say anything—something was in front of them, towering over them like a mountain trying to cover the sun.

Slowly, Shane looked up as Reina’s arms around his neck and shoulders became stronger, not letting him go. And he really wished he had his chest camera with him.

“Well, that’s…” Shane swallowed. “That’s a big, big moth, I guess.”

“Shut up,” Reina murmured against his hair. “Shut up, shut up, shut up…”

The animal seemed so ridiculously calm, even when it had been… yelling, just seconds ago, following them like if it wanted to eat them. Now it was just staring down, big red eyes opening and closing, looking like just some dark mass with the form of a—owl plushy.

Ryan would kill him for the disrespect. But hey… this was happening. And the thing was bigger than expected.

Reina was shivering behind him, Shane moved slowly to at least sit down on the ground but the second he moved, the animal followed it like if it had a million eyes, all centered on them. He froze, swallowing and waiting for whatever was next.

It leaned forward to them, the smell of old clothes and wet wood filled his nose and Shane tried his best not to sniff or made a face. Who knew how intelligent this thing was, what if it understood expressions, took offense? Shane hated the fact that he was most certainly shivering and about to pee his pants.

“He—”

“Shane!” Reina yelled, he didn’t notice why until he was feet away from them, way too close to the monster and far from the ground.

Somewhere in the moment, the place had become bigger, had become more illuminated by the golden fireflies and plants. He could hear Reina yelling at the distance, the smell of this animal and his eyes wide, wide, wide open and—and—

“Ryan!” He heard his own voice, he had screamed like never before. “RYAN!” He yelled again, eyes glued to the thing that was opening its snout. “RYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!”

Something pulled him from his belt. Shane wanted to look back, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the animal trying to—what? Eat him? He swallowed, the whatever pulled again.

“You can’t leave me!” Reina, it was Reina. Shane looked back finally, and tried his best to get away from the monster. “You can’t leave me, you can’t leave me!” They insisted, pulling and pulling, trying to free him. “YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME!”

It pushed Reina away, shrieking and making Shane want to die, the sound so strong he felt his head throbbing. In the distance, he heard Reina cry, calling for help and saying something else, but Shane was back near the animal’s snout—

“Ah, no! You can’t die just yet, pal!”

* * *

 

There was a fucking big tree that didn’t look exactly what you call safe, but his idiot husband—Alex, his idiot husband’s younger self went running into it right away, like a fucking hero out of some movie and, in another moment, Ryan would have rolled his eyes at the stupidity of it all.

Right now, he was more worried about what was going on, if this was the climax of the dream and he would finally wake up, back in their hotel, Shane sleeping at his side.

Instead, they found a girl yelling at—

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Ryan left out in a high pitched scream. “Is that, it’s—“

“My friend needs help!” The girl said, looking at them and there—

Fuck. No way.

“Tommy!” Alex hugged her, she hugged him back but urged him to look at—him, them— _her_.

 _Her_? Reina.

Ryan closed his eyes so hard, he saw multiple colored dots and ants before and after opening them again, swallowing dry while looking up at the person talking to Alex.

It all felt like an eternity, a camera in slow motion—but in reality, it must had been seconds for the monster in front of them had not even moved, as Ryan was able to listen to what they were saying again.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Alex asked.

“Shane needs help!”

Ryan looked up immediately at the name, this time to the Mothman that—that was about to—“SHANE!”

He yelled, but before he could do anything, Alex had pushed him and Reina out the way and had run to the monster.

This fucking kid was going get fucking wrecked one of these days if he kept making sacrifices to make everyone but himself happy, he was going to—save Shane. He really was going to save himself.

Ryan’s eyes opened wide.

“Alex!” Reina yelled, the boy had basically climbed the monster’s wing and was pulling Shane by the collar of his coat and shirt, away from its claw.

“Ah, no! You can’t die just yet, pal!”

Both fell to the ground when the Mothman seemed to get upset and let go of his husband. Ryan ran towards them, but someone— Reina— stopped him by pulling on his arm.

The monster disappeared next, with the same horrible sound it had made when it appeared the first time when they got lost; it was suddenly gone, like an illusion. The golden around them started to shine more and more. Ryan blinked a couple of times, trying to focus his sight on Shane.

“Holy fuck!” Shane yelled, face red and eyes wide open. He had just seen Alex. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“Shane!” Ryan called, running towards him.

His husband’s eyes finally landed on him and, oh boy, Ryan has never seen Shane get up and run so fast in his entire life. He couldn’t help but smile, moving faster towards his husband and then— then nothing.

Something was between them. Some glass, plastic? Some transparent barrier was there, not letting them touch or reach each other.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me…” Ryan murmured, both pushing the thing, hitting it. Nothing else happened. “Shane—Shane!”

The man finally looked at him, Ryan noticed Alex moving slowly behind him and for a second, he wondered what Reina was doing behind himself. But what really mattered now was Shane, his husband was looking at him like if he was deciding what was more appropriate to say.

Whatever it was, Ryan wanted to hear it all, and as they both spoke at the same time, he laughed, nose burning and eyes watering.

“Oh, shit. Ryan, Ryan—“

“Baby,” Ryan smiled, hands where Shane’s stood in the transparent wall, Shane leaned his forehead to it and Ryan tried to kiss it, heart beating too fast. “I’m okay, I’m okay.”

“God, I could’ve lost you…” He murmured. “I love you, I love you so much—I’m so sorry.”

“What? Why?” He wheezed, too nervous not to. Shane sighed and looked at him, tears slowly going down his face. “Don’t cry, it’s okay—“

“I know you’re pregnant.” He said, swallowing visibly. Ryan felt some sort of electricity going up his spine and it was now his turn to swallow. “Ry, please—”

“I’m sorry.” Ryan murmured back.

Shane shook his head. “No, no, please don’t—” He laughed, it sounded nervously happy. “I’m glad, I’m—goddammit, I’m ready. I’m so fucking ready; I can’t wait to have you both in my arms.”

Ryan smiled widely, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in what felt like forever. He nodded, noticing they had been trapped with their respective younger selves in there. Like—a last test.

“I love you, _mi amor_ ,” Ryan told him, Shane smiled back.

“I love you so much, _kochanie_.”

A black something started to cover the wall, Shane noticed too and looked at Ryan, nodding at him while walking away from the wall, hand still against Ryan’s. He smiled at his husband, staying until he couldn’t see him at all, and sighed.

Behind him, Reina was hugging herself. Himself. Ryan shook his head, knowing perfectly how he referred to himself back then, knowing perfectly how much he hated this version of himself.

“Are you Ryan?” She asked, he only nodded.

* * *

 

“I’ve seen this movie before,” His own voice told him, or so he supposed it was the same voice—it didn’t sound so familiar. Like a recording, more or less. Weird. “Sooo, do you have something to tell me?” He asked.

Alex, he had people call him Alexander at this age, first attempt at college, after Lorca. Shane sighed and walked ahead, towards the boy standing awkwardly there, wearing his face and his stupid good-boy clothes, the damn backpack, the baseball hat, and bat.

He had almost forgotten how he used to be.

“You’re still pining for Lorca, aren’t you?” He said, not sure why he sounded so angry. “Stop that, it’s not gonna happen—you are just going to keep fucking yourself up over nothing.”

“What—”

“And Jess, stop fucking around with her. You don’t like women.” He swallowed, he really was being a mean motherfucker with his younger self. “No matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, don’t.”

The boy said nothing, his hands were trembling. Shane frowned.

“Your parents already know, by the way. Everyone does, but you do need to accept it out loud.” He swallowed. “If you keep tiring yourself to sleep and thinking that you’re not important to anyone but Lorca, all you’re gonna do is hurt others.”

Alex’s face looked pale. He looked so much like his grandfather when he had been younger, all those pictures Shane had seen before. He looked like that, he knew. Older, Shane had little gray hairs on the back of his head that Ryan had taken away between laughs while in Mexico last week.

He had a lifetime of experiences, of regretting so many things, like everything he was saying now.

“And you don’t fucking like sports, let it go. You are just gonna fight with grandpa, and he is gonna die before you can apologize and it will be too late. He is going to understand, just let it go.”

But now, he just looked terrified, like if he didn’t want anything to do with all Shane knew will come. If this was a test, Shane was sure to fail it.

“Kid, listen—“

“Shut up!” The boy said, walking away without wanting to look at him.

Shane sighed, following himself—Jesus, this was way too much. They were just walking in circles, the boys’ cries making echo inside the tree and in Shane’s head. It wasn’t until he stopped and Shane put attention to his form that he realized he had become a little boy.

Well. Not a little boy. A boy, a pre-teen.

Shane blinked a couple of times, swallowing before walking towards him and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” He said, looking down at the crying form of the boy he once was, dressed in his baseball uniform and carrying the biggest fucking bag on his shoulders. “I’m sorry I’m so harsh with you.”

Why was he like this? He felt some sort of disdain for him when he first saw him, and understood who he was. Maybe he didn’t need to tell the boy anything, maybe he just needed to calm his damn mind, find his chill. This was a goddamn child after all.

Just a child.

“Well, fuck.” He murmured, rounding the kid with his larger arms. He felt so small, Shane had never thought of himself as small or even fragile, bones structure and body fat be damned.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he always said he had a happy childhood instead of saying the truth. He had great moments of incredible happiness, but a sense of responsibility for as long as he could remember.

He couldn’t be a ‘bad boy’ at any time, he had great parents and a nice family, why would he ever be bad? Have bad grades? Have no time for as many clubs and sports as he could manage? Shane was never popular, and he was never bullied either, but he was the kid that didn’t go to the parties because he was doing science homework at the end because he loved that assignment more than the others.

Because he had baseball practice and his grandpa was coming over on Saturday to help him perfect his swing and tell him about some other great game he never saw. Or maybe, it was chess afternoon—and his mom would make him cookies, call him a little genius, be so happy for him for learning and be good.

“You’re just a boy.” He murmured, memory after memory going through his head, the kid’s sobbing sounding louder. “You’re just a boy, and that’s all you should be.”

The worst part about it all is that he never thought himself good at any of it. Not even in drama, or science, or band. Nothing. He was just mediocre, doing everything he could do, then nothing—once he was older, nothing, just fucking around and laughing at his friends’ bad jokes.

It genuinely meant nothing, he was just trying to fill a gap. He always needed to be doing something.

Until Ryan, who liked to sit down and watch movies without doing anything else. Whose idea of a romantic weekend was to oversleep and have garbage food in bed, talk the whole afternoon. Who had made a job of going to quiet places full of darkness and dust, waiting for something that would never come, filling it with their laughter and silly faces, the days their fingers would touch in the dark before they ended up together.

But this kid, this kid had none of that.

“You’re not an adult, okay? People are not gonna die just because you don’t wanna play some chess or hit some ball with a stick.” He swallowed, putting one hand on the kid’s head. “I'm sorry I spoke to you like that. You don't know this yet, but you will learn it by yourself. You should just be a kid, alright?”

The kid had stopped crying, he was still hiccupping and small sighs left his mouth from time to time, Shane kept hugging him, wishing he could calm him down.

“You are not an adult, you'll have time for that. You need to worry about yourself from time to time because at the end you are not just hurting yourself, you will end up hurting others that you love." He licked his lips. “And I know you don’t want that, buddy.”

Alex hugged him back at last, he wasn’t crying anymore but Shane felt warm—He couldn’t remember if he yearned to hear this as a child, but at least he was glad he could tell him this. It was something he had to learn on his own, something the boy may still have to learn all on his own. And that was okay.

He hugged him tighter, a smile appearing on his lips.

Maybe he won’t fuck up his child, maybe he could change that, understand his little sunshine was to be their own person and wouldn’t need to be good at anything Shane likes as long as they were happy and healthy.

"I don't want to play baseball; I don't like German..."

"That's okay."

“I never liked the cub scouts, I don’t really like the chess club anymore.”

“I know.” Shane moved him, hand on his shoulder. The kid seemed conflicted and Shane smiled at him. “If you tell this to your parents, they are gonna be fine with it. Maybe not at first, but eventually they will understand.”

“What are they going to understand?”

“That you don’t give a shit, pal.” He said, funny voice on. Alex laughed, his nose and cheeks red. Shane smiled at him again. “It’s gonna be alright, okay?”

Alex nodded, and suddenly the woods were around them again, back where Shane and Ryan had finished the investigation.

* * *

 

Ryan was hyper-aware of the way Reina was eyeing him, her eyes fixated on his belly that was not showing yet, probably searching for the swell of it and it put Ryan on edge.

He tried to never think back on his teen years, knowing well it hadn’t been fantastic and he had done some bullshit he came to regret, even if it all led to him coming out to a lot of the people that mattered in his life.

It also brought a lot of confusion, like the first time he realized he did like dudes—so much doubt, all questions he kept asking himself, false accusations, fingers that didn’t exist but still pointed him out for being the way he is.

To be fair, he hadn’t felt like that in a long time, not until he accepted he wanted to carry a child of his own, make use of the part of his body that put him down other times. This journey of accepting himself and his body had been long and hard, and he had the luck of having the loving family he has, the lovely husband he has.

But Shane was not around again, and Ryan was left just with the past. He needed to deal with it, apparently.

“Shane said you’re pregnant,” Reina said, Ryan nodded. “You really do look like a guy.”

“That’s rude, kid. I am a guy.” He said, shoulders feeling heavy.

“Sorry.” She showed her hands in front of her. “It’s just… I’ve never… I don’t know. I didn’t know you could really go through with it, I think—it’s called transition?”

“Yeah,” he swallowed.

“That’s cool.”

This was too weird, he was just waiting the second this kid would say something even more stupid, instead, she just hugged herself some more.

“But, like—I don’t think I could do that to myself…” She murmured, looking at the ground. Ryan opened his mouth to talk, when Reina jumped in her place, looking at him with wide open eyes. “I mean, I mean—like, I love myself! I love who I am. Not that what you do is bad or something!”

Ryan chuckled, he tried biting his tongue when he saw the kid’s face change from embarrassed and worried, to angry. Well, fuck.

“What?” She said, fisted hands on her waist. “Just because I like sports and have short hair doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian or I want to be a guy.”

“Absolutely,” Ryan said and he meant it, it just wasn’t the case here and he knew this kid knew it, too.

“Then stop laughing!” She said, Ryan bit his cheek inside his mouth. “You’re being an asshole!”

“I’m sorry—”

“I don’t know why you made all this drama, you could have stayed a woman if you were going to marry some guy and have a baby anyway.” She rolled her eyes.

Ryan stood there, frozen, listening to himself.

“I bet you’ve thrown a lot of money at nothing, what’s the point if you ended a baby maker anyway!”

“Shut up!” Ryan threw back, eyes watering.

“Isn’t this bad for the baby?” She said, just then Ryan noticed her cheeks and nose were red, her eyes puffy. “You yelling?”

“You little fucker, was I really this shitty as a kid?” He murmured, newfound appreciation for his parents coming in hand.

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that, suddenly Reina’s anger could be felt in the air. “You think I am like you? I’m not!”

“What—”

“I would never do that to myself or my family!” She yelled, each affirmation making Ryan feel more and more detached from the scene.

His eyes wandered around, to the golden fireflies and the plants, the darkness behind it, where Shane had been.

The kid kept yelling insult after insult, nonsense she didn’t understand after nonsense, and Ryan found himself recognizing his voice in all it, the questions he had thrown to himself before dating Shane, before marrying him, before deciding to become a father with him.

There were tears going down Reina’s face, looking weaker as Ryan walked towards her. She kept spewing venom, way too many questions whose answers were the same and Ryan knew it by heart now, even if he tended to forget in his worst days.

“I hate you!” She yelled. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

Slowly, Ryan put a hand on her head, caressing her short hair softly, thinking of how much he had cried on his father’s chest when he had told him the truth. He’d never wanted to disappoint papa, and finding out he wasn’t doing so by being who he truly was had turned out to be incredibly overwhelming, even if a big relief.

“That’s alright,” Ryan said, his voice sounded so small. He hoped Reina was listening. “I don’t hate you.” He said.

Back when he had been younger and had started his transition, he had hated his voice and didn’t like any of the changes that came first. It wasn’t until many nights of insecurity that one happy day, he realized he was changing and, for the first time, the change felt _his_ and appropriate.

“I can’t tell you how to feel about yourself or tell you what is to come, you are gonna have to walk that path by your own like everyone else.” He swallowed. “But you know—that’s fine. It’s gonna hurt sometimes, but not all changes are bad.”

“I don’t want anything to change…” Reina said, voice sounding smaller and Ryan noticed the teenager was gone, in their place a small child. “I don’t want to be sad.”

“You’re not gonna be sad!” Ryan smiled, making the child look up at him. He really had been an adorable child, huh? Smiling, he dried the tears away from his younger self’s face and sighed.

“Are you happy?”

Ryan nodded. “Yes, I am. You are gonna be happy, too. You are gonna like who you are, even if it’s scary. It’s going to eventually be okay.”

He remembered telling Shane for the first time, his gorgeous beard always looked better when his hair was grown and messy, and he had those glasses on, looking like a fantasy out of Ryan’s horniest days. _“Uh, okay,”_ Shane had smiled at him then, _“I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me”_ , he had said.

A lot of shit before him, and a lot of shit while with him, had gone south. But there was always something that saved everything. The certainty that he was who he wanted to be, that he could get what he wanted. And then, Shane—someone who loved him for who he was, that silly, tiny, sleepy smile on Sunday morning, the softness of his laugh, the warmth of his lips on his, his fingers on his skin and the scrape of his beard on his thighs.

Fuck. Ryan was a goddamn happy man.

Ryan’s hand went to his belly when little Reina suddenly hugged him. Smiling, he hugged the child back and sighed, closing his eyes to open them when the smell of pine and wood came to his nose again.

They were back in those woods where they had filmed. Ryan’s eyes wandered around, until he landed them on the two figures looking at them in the distance.

“Tommy!” Alex, a child again, ran towards them.

Reina looked at him immediately, expression changing to a happy one, and ran towards the boy. They met in the middle, hugging as if their lives depended on it. Alex looked incredibly big in front of Reina.

Ryan looked at his husband and smiled a little. God, he was such a mess. He even had leaves in his hair and little mud stains on his face and clothes. The man wasn’t smiling at him, but his eyes softened at the sight of him, slowly walking towards him. Calm, finally real, looking so tired.

“I’m so sorry I lost you, are you okay? Are you hurt?” Alex asked.

“I’m fine, big doofus!” Reina answered, when Ryan looked back at them, they were teenagers again.

Alex had one hand on Reina’s cheek and they were looking at him with that one stupid smile everyone was eager to signal in Ryan when he looked at his husband.

“Stop that, stop! I’m okay!”

“You were crying.” Alex frowned, they shook their head.

“I’m alright.”

Alex smiled at them, his forehead on Reina’s for a few seconds before he took their hands and started to spin with them, making them laugh loud and happy as he said how worried he had been and how much he had missed them, like if they had been separated for too long. Like if they knew each other for a while.

Shane approached him, though. Ryan opened his mouth to speak but first came Shane’s hand on his jaw and neck, his thumb caressing his lips and he did so many times before. Ryan smiled at him, taking away the leaves on his hair, making him wheeze a little.

“Come on,” Alex said, hand in hand with Reina, completely ignoring the other two adults with them. “I’ll take you home now.”

“Okay, big guy,” Reina answered, lacing their fingers.

Ryan and Shane looked at them, then at each other. The kids passed them by, and when Reina’s hand passed through Ryan’s body, both understood they didn’t exist in these kids’ world anymore. But Shane made them follow, Alex did know the way out the woods apparently and it was time to get home.

As they walked, holding hands in silence, their younger selves kept chatting about every single topic they could think of. From what had happened to Crash Bandicoot, and slowly, they faded into the light of the spot where their rented car was.

Ryan looked at Shane’s watch, not even ten minutes had gone by, which meant the crew had just left, unaware of what felt like hours to them lost in the woods. How long had it been? Ryan was about to voice these doubts when he felt Shane basically dropping himself on Ryan’s body.

He hugged his husband back, feeling his weight and relief as he shivered a little.

Neither had any words, they just held each other in silence for what felt like forever, until Shane moved and Ryan had to let him go—seeing as he went on his knees and hugged his waist, burying his face in Ryan’s tummy.

All he could do was smile, tears running down his face as Shane’s little happy sobs filled the air, hands on his husband’s back and hair.

Looking up at the sky, stars shone back at him with the moon high and round—Ryan took all he could in, sighing softly as he smiled.

* * *

 

“Hello and welcome to another edition of BuzzFeed Unsolved Post Mortem, a show where we answer your most pressing questions about the most recent episode of BuzzFeed Unsolved which was, Rolling Hills Asylum.” Ryan stated in front of the camera, Devon indicating him when to slow down or so, TJ concentrated on the image in his camera.

“All the questions we're answering today came from you guys, via our BuzzFeed Unsolved facebook page and Instagram page.” Ryan looked at him, Shane smiled immediately at the sight of that gorgeous face. “And as you can see, he's back.”

Shane laughed, thanking Curly for taking over him last week when he had been busy fighting some bitches (his cousins) in Chicago so they would give him back all the original wooden toys that had been Scott’s and his, that were his grandfather’s, that their mom had LOANED, JONATHAN, to them when their kid had been born.

Alfie was too old for the little wooden horse and the house, it was time for them to give it back, especially now that—

“Hey, Ryan, we’re married. You don’t have to pretend as if you hate me…” He smiled, knowing where the joke was going, seeing that big smile on Ryan’s face.

“Yeah, well—we do have a big announcement today, don’t we?”

“Big news!” Shane gestured to the camera, TJ rolled his eyes and Devon giggled into her hand. Shane looked at Ryan. “Yes, Ry?”

“So next season…” He sighed, his cheeks becoming pink. Shane bit his bottom lip at the sight, smiling wider. “Look, I know we are just starting this season, but you all need to know.”

“You would figure it out anyway,” Shane shrugged. “Some of you already did!”

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan blushed, clearing his throat as he played with his phone in his fingers. “You see, next season, you are not gonna see me move from my chair, like… at all.”

“It’s because—“ Shane smiled wide, hand on Ryan’s so he would hold to him instead of playing with his phone. “Ryan has a demon in his tummy!”

A hard slap went to his shoulder, three times in a row, but it didn’t truly hurt, it only made him laugh louder, TJ and Devon also laughing their asses off with Shane’s stupidity. It made Ryan stand, moving away from the hiding place that was the table, slightly swollen belly showing to the camera and Shane smiled, holding him in place to put his face happily on that little bump that was their kid.

“I can’t believe you just called our child a demon! I’m divorcing you!”

“You say that every time, Ry, people will think you’re lying.” He answered, kissing his belly and finally making Ryan notice what he had done. He froze for a few seconds, slowly relaxed into the moment. “So as you can see… Ryan is having my spawn, babyy!”

Another slap to his head, this time his glasses falling down, and Devon snorted like a pig in laughter.

Ryan went back to his seat as Shane put his glasses on, TJ saying how much he’ll have to cut of them being idiots. Shane smiled apologetically at him, feeling Ryan’s fingers on his face. He looked immediately.

“Nah,” Ryan said, lips closer to Shane’s now.

They never did this in front of the camera. Shane smiled at him and closed the distance between them to kiss his husband softly.

“Let them know.”

*******

******

*****

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:  
> * Kochanie | Sweetheart (it's polish, by the way)  
> * Dios | God  
> * Dios mío | My God  
> * Chaparro | Short person  
> * La Ventanita | A song in spanish  
> * Solo hay una, solo hay una | There's only one, just one  
> * O tú o ninguna, no tengo salida | Is you or no one, there's no way out  
> * Pues detrás de ti, mi amor | Because behind you, my love  
> * Si no existieras, yo te inventaría... como el sol al día... | If you didn't exist, I would imagine you... Like the sun to the day..  
> * Cofidente de mis sueños... de mis pasos cada día... |Confident of my dreams, of my steps every day  
> * Su mirada es mi camino | His sight is my path  
> * Y su dicha ya mi vida | And his happiness now my life  
> * O tú o ninguna, no tengo salida. Pues detrás de ti, mi amor... | Is you or no one, there's no way out. Because behind you, my love...  
> * Tan solo... hay bruma... | There's only... mist  
> * Si no existieras, yo te inventaría | If you didn't exist, I would imagine you  
> * Como el sol al día, amor | Like the sun to the day, love  
> * O tú, o tú o ninguna | Is you, you or no one  
> * Mi amor | My love
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Maybe I'll see you on [my tumblr](http://yaboybergara.tumblr.com/)? Have a good day!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [How Being Lost in The Woods Teaches Jake & Amy About Parenthood.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18695389) by [idkspookystuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkspookystuff/pseuds/idkspookystuff)




End file.
